Imagine this scenario: It's that time of year again where you feel especially inclined to juggle knives. Not some sissy knives, like switchblades, but a real man's knife like a bowie. One thing leads to another and an impromptu juggling session quickly becomes a knife stuck right near a main artery in your leg. We've all been there, right?
Now, some people may tell you that it's easy to remove a knife from your leg. These city folk seem to think that taking out a razor-sharp killing machine is easy as a quick yank and bandage! Don't worry though, I'm here to demonstrate. I happen to have just stabbed my leg not two minutes ago and I can tell you that removing it is one of my top priorities. Here are a couple of hints on what not to do that I learned during the process.
1. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SLIDE THE KNIFE UP YOUR LEG.
Sometimes, out isn't always the best option. Sometimes a problem needs to get better before it gets worse. Now was not one of those times. The second that I felt the bone crack under the weight of my manly, grizzly killer, I knew that I had made a mistake. Come on though, it's not that bad. It's like that time I tore my ACL, just without the Viet Cong chasing after me.
2. USING YOUR CAR TO PULL OUT THE KNIFE IS A BAD IDEA.
America was founded on a culture of ingenuity, and over the centuries our beautiful nation has produced some of the finest minds to ever grace the Earth. You and I, however, are not some of them. Tying the knife to the fender of your car as your brother Steve drives away sounds like a great idea in the moment, yes, but the instant dislocation of your leg will quickly make your regret your decision.
3. SAWING OFF YOUR LEG JUST DOESN'T WORK.
I know, I know, a no-brainer, right? But for some, in the heat of the moment, the thought of cutting off the source of their pain can seem like a highly viable option. I, for instance, wasn't even thinking of the sheer amount of gore that would result from my successful attempt to remove my leg via the grinding buzz of my chainsaw.
4. NOT LETTING YOUR PET ANACONDA EAT YOUR SEVERED LEG IS SMART.
Look, getting an anaconda to pick up chicks was a great idea, no argument. Yet, letting him wander freely around your home can lead to some dangerous incidents -- like him ingesting your leg before you can store it in the fridge.
5. DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY FLUSH ALL OF YOUR BANDAGES DOWN THE TOILET.
What were you thinking?! This was exactly the wrong moment to simultaneously drop your bandages and pull the lever to flush them! I'm such a fool! Mother was right!
6. DO NOT LET YOUR INBRED COUSIN DOUG OPERATE ON YOUR STUMP.
WHAT, DOUG?! ISN'T THERE ANY OTHER DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?! HE ATE A SHOE ONCE, Y'KNOW! A SHOE!
7. PROBABLY BEST NOT TO CALL DOUG A F*** IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE.
Now that a sedative has calmed you down a bit, you should probably take time to reflect on the potential consequences of yelling out profanities like that. Sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but you'll regret it next Thanksgiving when your requests for more mashed potatoes are met by dismissive glares.
8. DO NOT FOREGO INSURANCE AS A PROTEST AGAINST OBAMACARE.
We all hate Obama, that's a given. Of course Obamacare is the work of the Devil, that's a given. What is not a given is THE immense debt you will incur as the doctors drain you of all your hopes and dreams. They say the true knife in your leg is debt. Trust me, I would know. I've had a knife in my leg.
