A few nights ago, I was unpacking all of my belongings from a San Francisco excursion my boyfriend and I decided to take. I found our photo booth strips we took at Pier 39. To be quite honest, the photos were sh---y, for lack of a better word. The colors were completely unsaturated, almost leaning towards black and white even though we clearly pressed “Color” when selecting from our options. The quality of the photo was super grainy. We looked like blobs because the camera didn’t use flash. If friends asked, I’d probably nervously tell them, “Oh yeah, we were going for that look.”
You could say I was extremely disappointed because I paid $5 for them. The let down on my face was probably transparent because my boyfriend laughed and said, “We’ll find a better one, don’t worry.”
We eventually did find another booth. A better one. Located in Musée Mécanique. (same place Mia Thermopolis and the Queen of Genovia took theirs so I was stoked.) As I stared at our photo, I thought about all the stupid things I put my boyfriend through and why he continues to remain patient, thoughtful and kind.
It got me thinking about love and the fundamentals of love, and why certain loves last and why certain loves don’t — why people fall in and out of love. Last year, I took a course on the evolutionary theory of love and psychology and I bought the required text, “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller for the class because I thought it’d be interesting. Occasionally, we were assigned readings (that I would also occasionally do) so I went ahead and flipped through more pages and I found some intriguing, helpful tips for those who are about to pursue a relationship, already in a relationship, planning to back out of a relationship because apparently he likes anime (I’m joking) or single and happy with their make-believe lovers and are looking to improve that relationship. Hey, whatever grinds your gears, am I right?
This is what I found:
1. "You're annoying." "YOU'RE annoying."
Ever fought with your significant other? Haven’t we all. Next time you find yourself in a heated argument, remember to use “behavior description” and “I-statements.” Behavior descriptions point out the actual behavior itself, rather than the defining features of a person. I-statements focus on one's own feelings, instead of targeting one's partner’s. Rather than “You’re so forgetful and it pisses me off,” try “I’m upset because you bought Del Taco’s Double Beef Classic Taco when I purposely asked for Taco Bell’s Double Decker Taco Supreme.”
2. Who's your all-day Saturday person?
Here's a point to ponder: After two years of marriage, the average partner expresses only half the affection that was initially expressed as newlyweds. Three potential reasons for this: one, loss of fantasy, two, loss of novelty, and three, loss of arousal. What’s fascinating is the love that stirs people to marry one another isn’t the same love that decides the marriage is worth it 20 years down the line. However, I don’t want my article to be depressing so here’s the good news: although passion declines, intimacy and commitment both increase as we age. It’s the stable love that matters! You know that stupid quote that goes something like “It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, but who you want to spend all-day Saturday with?” Cringe-worthy and gross? Yes. Truthful? Also yes.
3. "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."
According to a survey administered in 2007, researchers Lehmiller and Agnew found that those who were in relationships their friends saw pitfalls in were more likely to have broken up with their partners after seven months. Because your friends serve as objective viewpoints, they're much more likely to see your shortcomings. And they'll be sure to let you know. Friend yo self before you wreck yo self.
4. Hey, want better sex? Treat her like your equal!
In the U.S., women who marry male feminists enjoy happier, healthier and longer-lasting relationships than those who are married to more traditional, masculine men. Better sex, too. The same goes for men who choose female feminists. Seems like it pays to believe in equality.
5. Write love letters.
In a study conducted by Floyd, participants were randomly assigned to write love letters to their partners, expressing how much they care for them. Those who wrote the letters experienced improved cholesterol levels, heart rates, and blood pressures. Moral of the story: Express your love. Self-disclose. Not only is it good for the relationship, but it’s also good for the soul.
6. You're not that funny.
Fellas, next time you want to impress that cutie sitting across the bar, please don’t use what you might think are “good” opening lines. Research has shown that simple “Hi, how’re you doing?” openers receive a favorable response 70 percent of the time. Lines like “I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock” and “Is your dad a baker? You’ve sure got a nice set of buns” do not work. In fact, they get a favorable response less than 24 percent of the time. Also, disclaimer: I did not come up with those lines. I'm not a flirt nor a fool.
7. Don't forget to use common sense.
Leslie Baxter conducted a survey and asked college students reasons why they chose to break up with their partners. Multiple reasons were brought up, but number one was: Not allowing your partner autonomy. Basically, don’t be possessive. There’s a fine line between loving someone and claiming someone. Choose and act wisely. Number two was: Don’t be too different from each other. Ever hear people say “opposites attract?” Don’t believe them. Well, don’t believe them to a certain extent. If attributes such as attitude, morals, and interests don’t sync up, chances are you two won’t sync up. Lastly number three: don’t be inconsiderate. He got a promotion? Cook him a nice dinner. She aced her GRE’s? Have some celebratory ice cream. It’s a tough world out there. Be their number one fan. Other honorable mentions: don’t be closed-off, don’t cheat, don’t be MIA, don’t be unjust, and don’t settle for routine.
8. Take it from the old people.
100 couples that were married for 45 years were asked how they maintained their love for one another. These were some of their replies:
"Value long-term commitment."
"Having a sense of humor is a huge plus."
"Be similar enough to your partner so that you’ll agree with each other on most matters."
"Truly like your partner! Truly enjoy spending time with them."
So back to that initial photo booth strip I initially thought was shitty. I mean, it’s still shitty (look at it). But it captures me being happy with the person that means a lot to me. He’s who I want to spend all Saturday with!!
(Besides, I have the Musée Mécanique one.)
