One of the first things that I was informed of when I announced my pregnancy was to "say goodbye to my friends, because they are all going to change." I agree with this to a point, but I also think that I am the one who changed and some of them embraced it and accepted the changes, while others did not. I have gathered thoughts from a lovely group of moms who have shared both positive and negative experiences of trying to balance their friendships as a mom.
1. Even Though I Probably Can't Make It, Please Still Invite Me.
I'm sure that you are getting annoyed with my 1 "yes" for every 856 "nos", but trust me, I REALLY appreciate the invite. As you know, I can't just get up and go anymore. The attempt to get myself and my child(ren) ready and out the door can take hours and sometimes it's just not worth it. Would I love to say yes? Of course, but sometimes (most of the time), I do not feel like fighting the battle of leaving the house.
Even though it takes me hours (or days) to respond to your text, and even though I haven't seen you in what feels like forever, I still need friends and I haven't forgotten about you. Even if you're 99.9% sure I won't be able to make it, please just take the 5 seconds to remind me that I am invited. I probably won't say yes, but I'll be reminded that there are still people who care about me and want me in their presence, besides a sticky (but cute) toddler.
2. Include My Child. Please Don't Always Ask Me to Find a Sitter.
I know the last thing that you want to do is deal with my screaming child at a restaurant or browse the local Children's Museum, but that's usually the only way that I will be able to spend time with you. Receiving a text that says, "Would you and (child) like to...?" is truly so encouraging and comforting. Being the girl who always has her kid with can make me feel self-conscious and unwanted, but knowing that he/she is welcome, puts my mind at ease.
Yes, I know there are no babies allowed at the club, but saying "can't you just get a sitter" is not inspiring to me. Trust me, I would find one if I could or wanted to. Also, I appreciate your help and childcare finding skills, but your cousin's friend's roommate's little sister will not be watching my child.
3. I'm Sorry If It Seems That I Don't Have Time For You Anymore.
I promise that I have not forgotten about you. Our wild memories and inside jokes are often on my mind, but with being a mom comes so many extra responsibilities I did not even know of. Some of us have filled schedules with play dates, mom group, lessons, sports games, and homework time. Others are working overtime to cover the extra expenses that we did not have before. My child comes first and I truly am sorry if you can not accept that. My mind is in so many places and I do not mean to make you feel neglected. Please don't hesitate to call/text to check in on me. It might take me awhile to get back to you, but it's so nice to know you're still there. I often feel that I am a disappointment in many areas, please don't make me feel worse by saying "you never make time for me anymore" or "you're too busy with your kid". I know these things are true, but please be an adult and accept it.
4. I Am Not the Same Person That I Was Before Becoming a Mom (and I'm Not Sorry).
"Remember when we used to go to the beach every night?","Remember when you used to be the life of the party?", "Remember when you dated that crazy guy in high school?" Yes, I remember. I'm sorry that I am not fun enough anymore, but I am not sorry about the life I am living now. There are days where I long for my sleepless nights to be adventure-filled, and when I would love for my mommy-brain to not be my excuse for not remembering what happened the night before, but I have changed for the better. I don't mean to be lame, I just have responsibilities now. Memory lane can me a funny place, but not when I'm being accused of not fitting your friendship standards anymore.
5. Please Do Not Try To Parent My Child.
I know that everyone has their own way of parenting. Before becoming a parent, there are multiple things that I swore I would never do that are now a part of my daily routine. If you don't agree with my 2 year old eating a cookie, watching videos on my phone, or sleeping in my bed, that's okay, but you really don't need to tell me. Until you're a parent, you have no idea what you would do for a moment of silence. I appreciate your input when I am struggling, but please don't shame the way I am doing things.
6. If You Don't Put In The Effort To Know My Child, I Definitely Will Not Either.
As mentioned earlier, coming to you is not always an option. If you want to see us, coming over to visit is the best way to do so. When someone tells my child, "Mommy never lets me see you", I wish he was old enough to reply with "you know where I live" (the one time I would allow him to give attitude). As much as I would like to, I do not have time to beg you to be in my child's life. Sorry, but you are not his "auntie" if you've seen him twice in the past year or his "godmother" if you've been in our house once.
7. Don't Tell Me How You Understand The Stress & Exhaustion Since You Have a Puppy.
Yes, puppies pee in the house, bark throughout the night and make a mess, but there is little to no comparison. If my child is being naughty, as much as I would like to some days, I can't just kennel him up so I can have a break. I know that no responsible dog owner would leave their dog in a kennel all day, but at least it's an option to catch a break.
When you have to go somewhere, you can either A. leave the puppy at home or B. put it on the leash and walk it out to the car. I literally have to mentally prepare myself to leave the house. Is my child under dressed or overdressed? Do I have enough diapers? Do I have enough snacks? Will he walk nicely or should I attempt to fold up and stuff the stroller into my car? Is he in a good mood; is it even worth it to go? Can I go another day? I am then sweating profusely by the time I get to the car after wrangling up my toddler, carrying too much extra stuff "just in case", and fighting him into his car seat. I don't even want to talk about what it's like once I reach my destination.
I am not saying that puppies are easy and you have the right to be frustrated, but if you do a crappy job or screw up raising your puppy, he mostly likely won't grow up to be a bully, unemployable, or a killer.
8. I Appreciate You More Than You'll Ever Know.
Sorry to be blunt, but some of you can stop reading here. If you haven't taken the time to get to know my child, if you haven't accepted the fact that I have major responsibilities now, or if you have talked behind my back about how I've "changed" (duh,obviously I've changed!), then I do not appreciate the "friend" that you have been to me.
Thank you for being accommodating to my changes. I truly believe that it is not easy giving up someone that you could go on a spontaneous adventure with, sleepovers every weekend, and midnight drives. I think it is okay for you to miss that girl, but thank you for not constantly reminding me about her.
Thank you for loving my child as your own. It was your choice to accept him and you did. Thank you for checking in on him, wanting to see pictures of him, playing with him, and loving him. We are both so lucky to have you in our lives.
You have been understanding, you have been a listening ear, you have been a shoulder to cry on, and you have proved to me that you will stick with me through anything. You are are true friend.
You know who you are <3
