Welp, it's official. The two major political parties' nominees for President of the United States are set.
For the democrats, we have Clinton, who is the first woman to ever represent a major party as the nominee for president. She's also the first candidate to be running for office while under investigation by the FBI. I mean, talk about historical! I just find it outrageous that Clinton is where she is given her track record. I mean, if Clinton's life was being made into a movie, this part of the story should be less White House-y and more Orange is the New Black, ya feel?
And speaking of orange, we have Donald Trump as the nominee for the Republicans. There's not much I can say that hasn't already said about this person. So I'll just echo something Hillary said in her speech the other night. Do we really want someone with the temperament of your average twelve-year old internet troll to be the most powerful person in the world?
The prospect of either one of these people becoming president makes me want to put my head in the microwave and press the popcorn setting. It has become so abhorrent to me that everyday things I've grown to despise and hate seem favorable compared to having a crook or a pumpkin be the leader of the free world. So here's a list of things I'd rather have for the next four years than either one of these people as president.
1. Clickbait... everywhere.
Every single movie/TV show/book title that comes out in the next four years would be written in that shitty clickbait wording. Instead of "The Force Awakens" we'd have "A girl finds a robot in the desert and you won't believe what happens next." And instead of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," we'd have "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days- you won't believe #3 and #9."
2. Forever Buffering YouTube Videos.
I'd rather every YouTube video I tried to watch for the next four years miraculously load the ad, but when it came time for the actual video, suddenly forget how to Internet and not play the video. Then proceed to do that three more times before finally playing what I wanted to watch. It would be annoying, but not as much as Trump's pronunciation of "huge." Uuuuugge.
3. Semi Truck Madness.
I'd rather be stuck behind a semi going 15 miles per hour under the speed limit everywhere I drove for the next 4 years than see either of them in the Oval Office. Sure it'd be slow and tedious, but it couldn't be any worse than Trump's ideas for foreign policy... or domestic policy... or a university.
4. Not So Superman.
Louis CK once joked that he wished someone would fall from a cliff and get saved by Superman only to have him fly up and drop them from an even greater height. Well, I wish this horizontally. Rather than having either one of these tosspots as president, I wish every time in the next four years that I was about to get bumped by a morning jogger or an unobservant bicyclist Superman would come swooping in, save me, and ever so gently set me down on a railroad track right as an oncoming train would come roaring through and blast me into oblivion. Thanks, Superman!
5. College Dorm- Level Wifi Everywhere.
I'd rather wait 15 minutes for my safari app to open every time I try to use it for the next four years than have to wait four years for my country to be out of the hands of these cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
6. Truly Unfortunate Acne.
If you've ever had a pimple on the inside of your nose, you will know how those little satanic bumps make food less delicious, colors more dull, and all the happiness in your life go away. But having one of those for four years instead of Clinton or Trump would still be a lot less irritating.
7. Disgusting Background Music.
You know that sound when dentists are scraping plaque off your teeth? Yeah, I'd rather hear that 24/7 for the next four years than ever have to listen to either of them give State of the Union Addresses.
"I've got the best addresses, you wouldn't even believe. Trust me, I was in real estate for 50 years, I know all about addresses," - Trump, probably.
8. Sisyphus' Punishment.
In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was sentenced to an eternity of rolling a large boulder up an immense hill, only to watch it roll down and have to do the same thing the next day. It's a truly torturous punishment. But I would rather roll a huge ball of Trump/Clinton poop covered with Trump's cotton candy hair and Clinton's pantsuits up a steep hill every day for the next four years than see Hillary try to make a joke ever again.
Pokemon Go fuck youself, Hillary.
Peace, y'all.
