“We don’t need them to be smart, we just need them to enjoy getting into bed—it’s that simple, don’t over complicate it.”
Well excuse me. As someone who just recently reentered the single women’s club, imagine my horror. For years I was told that people, in general, were decent human beings. After hearing that, I must admit a part of my perspective on the world shifted—specifically the one that looked at men and dating.
With apps like Tinder and Bumble, our generation has slowly shifted into a hook-up culture, which has left well-educated and ambitious young women (often times called SWANS, Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse/Significant Other) with a tough choice to make. Join the hype and become the “cool girl,” or stand our ground and hope for Prince Charming? While it may seem tempting to buy into these new dating apps, I find myself stuck wondering how narcissism and selfishness became the norm. (Communication theorists point to uses and gratifications theory, and they make some solid claims.)
Over the last few weeks, I’ve found myself listening to the strangest comments made by men my age. About a week ago, it dawned on me that I was already becoming a part of the SWANS, and I’m 21. When and if the media picks up a story about the SWANS, it’s typically about women in their mid-thirties who find themselves wondering what’s wrong with them and why they can’t find a man. These Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse/Significant Other, or SWANS, have high-paying and rewarding careers, but are troubled with the lack of a man in their life. Some journalists write about them with tones of sympathy and encouragement towards securing a diamond ring to coexist with their success. I on the other hand must ask the following—why does it matter?
As I stumble through the dating pool in this new and alarming hook-up/no strings generation, I can promise you that having a successful career sounds a lot more appealing than searching for “the one” throughout all of my thirties. Moving forward, however, I think it’s important that society stops telling us SWANS the following eight “consolation”/”reality check” statements.
1. “You’re just too intimidating.” I personally hear this one a lot. Whether it’s from a male or a female, whenever they talk about me as a person, they use this word. So first of all, thank you. I am flattered that you think my success and intelligence is so well developed that you have to use a word that means frightening. Not sure how to feel about that one. Whenever I ask why, they usually come up with some weird way to say that, "you know what you want and how to get it, it’s scary to those of us who don’t." Right. So my intuition scares you. Doesn’t that say more about you and less about me?
2. “You’re just bitter, you need to get laid.” Ah, because all of the world's problems are solved with sexual encounters. The '60s called, they want their peace movement back.
3. “You’re just a b!tch.” Thank you SO much for calling me a female dog! I actually really like puppies!! Oh, and maybe I just know what I want and won’t tolerate being stepped on. I’m allowed to stand up for myself, FYI.
4. “You’re too busy to have a relationship.” Yet I make time for my friends and family? I’ve always lived by the mantra that you make time for the people who care about you.
5. “You’re just a snob.” When it comes to love and friendships, money has never been a consideration. If you’re a decent person and we share common interest, I could care less about how much money you have in your bank account. Nor do I care about what lavish gifts you can give me. That’s a moot point.
6. “You expect way too much.” Standards. Say it with me. Here again, I know what I want. Meaning, I know that I deserve to be treated with respect and consideration—and if you ignore me for days and act like you don’t care about me, I probably will throw your butt to the curb. Any woman would.
7. “You’re too serious.” It must be nice to live in a land where responsibilities don’t exist. Unfortunately for me, I know that there are always consequences to certain actions. So maybe I can’t go grab drinks with you and your friends on a work night because I think it’s irresponsible to come in the next morning hungover. That doesn’t make me too serious—that just means I have a set of standards I hold myself to.
8. “You look for problems in men; just be satisfied with what you have.” I think this one can be cross-applied with the expecting too much myth. While yes, I do analyze my relationships, it’s not as if I’m searching for flaws or deal breakers. Again, I have standards and want to be treated a certain way, and if that’s not possible for said man to achieve, it’s probably time to move on.
Even if I am a little cynical about our hook-up culture, I think it’s important to remember that well-educated women in their twenties are not a rare breed. In fact, there are a whole slew of us, and we just want to be treated with respect. Oh, and mom and dad—please stop asking us when we’re going to give you grandchildren.
