1. Blissful ignorance
You wake up on a Sunday morning, stretch the sleepiness from your bones, and rise out of bed feeling refreshed and ready for a new day. You brush your teeth, maybe even take a long shower, then step out feeling born again and physically and mentally clean. You get dressed, take the dog out, grab breakfast, and make your way to your favorite destination: the couch.
2. Realization
You pick up the remote and point it at the blank screen in front of you, and nothing happens. That’s weird, you think. You stand up and walk to the TV and start hitting buttons that deep down inside you know won’t actually do anything. You finally connect the dots and look at your cable box to see that the time is gone, and its replacement is nothing more than a blank screen with a terrible green line through it.
3. Panic
The feeling of absolute terror washes over you. How long has it been out? Please, god, please let it have recorded "Phil of the Future" last night! What have I done!
4. Denial
The notification you have on your phone to remind you to pay the cable bill hasn’t even come this month! Has it? It came last month though for sure, right? Did you pay your bill last month? You definitely did. How could they just shut it off without even a friendly phone call? Maybe they could’ve emailed you to remind you to pay the damn thing. You definitely paid the bill two months ago, so you should have two more months until you have to pay again before they shut it off. You’re pretty sure you paid that.
5. Rage
There is NO WAY you did not pay that bill. You remember paying it for sure. You were super poor the entire month BECAUSE you paid it, right? You ate PB&Js for like two and a half weeks because you couldn’t afford to eat real food – because you paid the cable bill. Pissed doesn’t even begin to cover it. You know you’re paid up. This is just capitalist America trying to take advantage of you. Money, money, money. You can pay your bills and still have your service ripped from you! You totally wish Sons of Anarchy was here right now, because they wouldn’t put up with this kind of stuff. Hell no. You’re going to call the cable company and tell them exactly what they can do with your money. You have the app on your phone. You can send them a strongly worded email.
6. Sadness
You open the app. SERVICE DISCONNECTED flashes across your screen and the fire within you rises. OVERDUE ACCOUNT: $363.84. That number is pretty big, you think. Maybe you didn’t pay it last month. You try to remember as much as you can, but all that comes to mind are the two trips to New Orleans, and leaving work early all those days to come home and nap. Your stomach sinks down as far into your body as it can go, and you must face the facts: You are wrong.
7. Acceptance
Who has $363.84 right now? Who even likes cable? TV is so overrated anyways. Wifi? Who needs it? You camped out at Bonnaroo that one time and could only charge your phone in your car, so it’s not like you haven’t roughed it before. This will be just like camping, except you still have your bed. You look around the living room and think, This will be fun. You go swimming and play MASH and listen to music and actually leave your house to socialize with people. Not having cable or internet is the BEST thing that has ever happened to you. You wish you’d lived in a time before that thing called the internet ruled everything around you. You’re about to become one of those people who climb mountains and go snorkeling and eat fruit for breakfast. People are going to be so jealous when they see how incredible your life is via your Instagram posts.
8. Boredom
Day 3 comes along and you don’t have the energy to sit outside in the sun anymore, and you still don’t know who went home on The Bachelor on Monday, and if you go over your data plan on your phone again your parents will probably yell at you, and you’re just WAY too old to even be treated like a child anymore… so you just sit there. You clean your room and organize your books by genre and author and you bathe your dog, and on Day 6 you realize that you have forgotten what it’s like to come home and watch The Golden Girls. You can hardly even remember their names now. TV is a thing of your past. You also count down the days until your next paycheck, so that the cable can come back on and the world can start spinning again.
