It’s no secret that this upcoming presidential election is one huge disaster.

From twitter fights to physical fights, from punishing women to punishing doctors, no one can predict what one particular candidate will do next.

Donald Trump constantly leaves America with many questions, but no one has formally asked these very important ones until now.

Dear Donald Trump,

Below is a list of questions regarding your presidential race.

1. How do you get your hair so big?

Girls would kill for some of that volume, and men with male-pattern baldness (such as yourself, I’m assuming) would love to get in contact with your toupee stylists.

This is probably a question I should be asking your hair staff. I suppose your secret is that “small loan of a million dollars” from your dad that allowed you to buy the aforementioned staff.

Just be careful in the hairspray department – you seem to be prone to "fly aways."

Speaking of your beauty team...

2. Who are your hair and makeup stylists?

I just have one thing to say to them: You’re fired

Your face reminds me of the betadine solution surgeons use to disinfect an area before operating. Is it time for a new master race of Oompa Loompas? I’m sorry, I’m getting a bit off topic. It’s just so easy to get you and Hitler mixed up these days.

But seriously, you should look into a different shade of foundation or lay off the self-tanner for a few years. That should be enough time for the excess stain residue to come off.

3. Do small hands run in your family?

I’m sorry, I know this is a sore subject for you. I’m just worried about the market value of your “hot” daughter. Obviously physical beauty is the only thing that women are here for, so it would be an absolute tragedy if miniature digits limited the number of people who would like to date Ivanka in the future (other than yourself, of course).

Yes, I know she is currently married, but given your own track record of a “traditional Christian household,” we can expect Ivanka to need a few more courters in the next 30 years. It is important to emphasize “courters,” since you are clearly living in the middle ages with regard to gender, race equality and territorial empire wars.

4. Do you prefer to be called Donald Drumpf or John Miller?

To update those unaware, you pretended to be a publicist named John Miller in the 1980s and ‘90s. Why? To give interviews about the greatness of your “boss,” who coincidentally sounds a lot like you on recordings.

On the other [small] hand, John Oliver revealed in his hilarious video that your family name was actually changed by your ancestors from “Drumpf”.

So, if you could just clarify, that would be great. I just want to know what I should call you when making fun of you in future articles.

5. What is your actual plan to help the country?

Seems like a silly question to be asking a presidential candidate five months before the election, but to be honest, we have absolutely no idea.

Every time you are asked a policy question, you avoid it like the plague (there are those damn middle ages again). “Mr. Trump, how do plan on getting Mexico to pay for the wall?” “Oh, we're going to build a beautiful wall, and they're going to pay for it!" “Yes, but how, Mr. Trump?” “It just got 10 feet taller!” OK.

6. Do you really believe you’re an anti-establishment candidate?

You claim to hate politicians, but you are better than them at avoiding questions and talking in circles. You are also better at lying, scheming and getting involved in shady money practices. So, I'm just a little confused when people say they like you for being an outsider.

7. Are you really that dumb?

I’m very unsure how you graduated from Wharton. You seem to be a little behind on learning how the world works. For example, you have mentioned that you want Bill Gates to close the internet in certain parts of the world to prevent ISIS from recruiting via social media. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but other countries are not going to do something just because you tell them to. Funny, I have very similar conversations with 6-year-olds at my summer camp.

And finally, maybe the most important question of all...

8. Is this some sort of joke?

A year ago, "Trump for President" seemed like the butt of a good joke. Now, it's more like the butt of an old cigarette: off-putting, orange and probably full of disease.

I don't (nor do most psychology experts) know what goes on in Donald Trump's mind, but I do know one thing: This guy owes us answers.