Do you fear holding babies? Does your 5-year plan not include a family? Do you avoid daycares at all costs? Never fear, for you are not alone. There are plenty of us who have accepted the fact that we are just not parent material, and are so excited to be the cool aunts and uncles. The ones with all the money and the cool house. But, that doesn't stop you from awkward family situations and ill-fated toddler interactions. Here are a few instances I'm positive we all can relate to:
(Note: because I'm female, this article has a slight gender bias that I've tried to edit and keep neutral to relate to everyone, but some things can slip through the cracks)
1. "You'll change your mind when you're older!"
It seems that every time you tell someone you don't plan on having kids, there's this instinctual reflex in them that automatically kicks in and makes them tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. Grandmothers are the worst culprits. I am so happy you love your kids. I'm glad being a mother gives you your purpose in life! But for me and the career and goals I want, that's not the case. And that's ok, really.
2. Babies Confuse You
You just...don't get babies. People say they're cute, but all you think about is how each newborn looks like an angry old man. And all the money it costs to keep them alive. I once looked up how much is spent on diapers in a month and had to restart my computer. Yes, sometimes they do this smile that stirs something in your cold, dead heart, but for the most part, you wonder why people go through the trouble of it all and just get a dog instead. At least a puppy is soft.
3. People Like Their Smell?
What is the new baby smell? Why does your grandmother always get that deranged look in their eye as the smell a baby's head? Do baby lovers get a kick out of inhaling baby powder and poo smell? It seems like a big conspiracy to you, for all you've ever gotten a whiff from a baby is straight up vomit and curdled milk.
4. You Can't Babysit For S***
You've had to come up with creative jobs on the side, for no one in their right mind would let you watch their children. You say the wrong things, you accidentally let the kids break half the rules the parents set for you, and you end up spending more time with the family dog than keeping a close eye on the kids you're actually being paid to care for. As much as you wish you had a knack for simultaneously having fun with kids while picking up a few bucks, it's just not structured into your DNA
5. Grandpets
6. Did I Mention Judgmental Parents
You will have some people (and yes, a lot of relatives) who for some reason think your decision not to have kids means you look down on their lifestyle. My favorite argument is "Your body is made to reproduce, it's almost selfish not to continue your family line (actual line I've heard)" Were we all just put in a time machine? Is it 1764 and we're back to arranged marriages resulting in 12 children? Is it to keep the family plantation and fortune alive?
7. Talking to Them
The funny thing is, you think you can talk to children just fine. They and other adults don't seem to agree with you. Apparently when a kid is telling you their elaborate plan to parachute vases from the upstairs landing, you are supposed to stop them and not ask them what supplies they think they should use.8. What Is A Maternal/Paternal Instinct
For a while you thought something was wrong with you because when you saw a baby, you felt nothing. Maybe distaste. This is still the case, but now you've discovered all your parental instincts gravitate towards puppies and kitties, and even friends (I am considered the mom of most of my friend groups and yet I still will never want to cradle a baby). You see the sacrifice parents go through for their children, and honestly want to understand it, but you know it's just not in your cards.
Babies...toddlers...children...each of these words make your face unconsciously scrunch up in disinterest. You are so thankful it is 2016 and not 1916, when the expectations of family planning is completely different. It's not that you hate kids! It's just that you don't really understand them, and if you're honest with yourself you don't really want to. And that's ok, because we all have roles to play in life, and the roles you have in mind just include silence. And multiple exotic trips. And 30 dogs.
Just remember, when asked what's better than having kids, simply tell them the truth-
