1. The Vague Friend
"Wow can't do this anymore"
"Ready to give up"
"Don't even ask..."
"Thought we were friends"
Often seeking sympathy, always seeking attention, the vague friend is possibly one of the worst offenders of Facebook drama. Around 90 percent of Facebook users know that the best way to rid our timelines of these frustrating pity parties is to completely ignore them, but there is always the other 10 percent that cave in and leave comments that only encourage these statuses. Usually the comments go something like "What's wrong?" and are followed up by the Vaugey's response of "I don't want to talk about it..."
Then why did you post about it in the first place?!
2. The Serial Sharer
What if I told you that just because you find 15 quotes, 37 cat videos, and three overly used e-cards hilarious, that you don't have to share them to your completely uncaring audience of Facebook friends? What's even worse is when you share it and tag the one friend you were directing it to in the text above. Why not just personally send it to that person? Or post it on their wall?? And on a related note, what's up with all the irrelevant, half-a**ed inspiring quotes being attached to pictures of Minions? What does relationship advice have to do with little, yellow, one-eyed, overall wearing blobs of snot? And don't even get me started on the entire culture of adults that find Minions more hilarious than my 5-year-old niece does.
Seriously, what do Minions have to do with anything here?!
3. The "I took 15 selfies and couldn't decide which one I liked best so I'm posting all of them" friend
Is it extreme narcissism or extreme insecurity that causes people to post literally an entire album of selfies at one time? A jog, a trip to the dentist, a ride in your car, or a day of laying out by the pool do not require an entire log of how you looked throughout the entire event, especially when each photo is accompanied by an equally tired Taylor Swift quote that I would have thought was deep when I was 12. Get a Snapchat or an Instagram where it's slightly more acceptable to post three selfies a day. Stop clogging my newsfeed with the same picture at different angles!
See also: The friend that changes their profile picture more than once a week. Once a month is already enough.
4. The "I had a minor personal emergency but would like you all to worry about me" friend
Heads up: adding your location to Facebook posts is meant for fun events, restaurants, or traveling. It's not really meant for you to tag yourself at the Emergency Room whenever you get a boo-boo. It seems that every single person that has the time to immediately make it known on Facebook when they or their family members are seeing a doctor, they don't have the time to respond to the people commenting that are worried about the medical emergency being a lot more serious than it actually is. Some people really need a brush up on the "boy that called wolf" story. Next time don't bother posting unless you're literally on fire.
5. The Pyramid Schemer
Is it just me that finds it incredibly ridiculous that people find it completely okay to constantly try and sell their family and friends their worthless, pyramid scheme products? No? Didn't think so. If I wanted to buy horrible quality makeup, I'd go back to Hot Topic like I did back in the good ol' middle school days. If I wanted to lose weight, I would exercise and eat healthy, not squish my intestines up in a (proven to be completely useless and harmful) body wrap. Don't get me worked up about those "Thrive" patches that somehow make you a superhero, either. These people are so used to feeding people the B.S. about their products that I think they have honestly started to believe it themselves. It's embarrassing and a little sad to watch them scurry around and harass their friends and family members to appease the corporate workers above them in the pyramid (that they claim benefits them).
6. The on-again, off-again couple
What makes people think it's logical and necessary to put every detail of their relationship on Facebook? Some things are meant to be kept private. If I wanted to see a failed relationship grasping at every loose straw it can find, I'd watch Dr. Phil or Maury. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing someone out their ex for every single horrible thing they ever did, only to get back with them two days later. It's even worse when the couple have children involved. "Y'all really seem like great parents—keep up the good work." Call me when you either officially decide to get married or never talk to each other again.
See also: The friend that is "in love" with a new person every month.
7. The Self-Righteous friend
If you give a couple dollars to a homeless person and your main excitement is in going home to immediately share with your friends on Facebook the amazing deed you have done, your priorities are all in the wrong places. People's life tragedies and unfortunate situations are not yours to benefit from on the Good Samaritan scale. Help people, love others, show compassion: don't brag about what a good person you are on social media. It completely discredits what you may have done for someone else. You are not someone's guardian angel or savior, you are one of many looking to help the people that most need it. Just be happy with personally knowing that you might have made someone's day; don't ruin it by making it seem like you have done much more than you actually have. Spare pocket change does not equal diminishing poverty.
Oh, and, for the love of all that is holy, stop inviting me to play Mafia Wars!
