7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

Marky Mark has a lot in common with the geezer in my living room.

1. Opportunistic in times of atrocity

Whenever our local Friendly's is overwhelmed and understaffed, grandpappy creates a diversion or waits for a catastrophe to occupy the poor waitress on her second shift in order to swipe additional scoops of ice cream.

Exuding that same spirit, when Kevin Spacey was outed as a sexual abuser, Mark Wahlberg stepped up to the plate as the highest paid actor of the year and demanded $1.5 million behind closed doors for re-filming portions of All the Money in the World.

While everyone else decided it was for both the good of the film and correcting previous neglect of abuse, Wahlberg saw an opportunity to add to his measly $68,000,000 income for the year.

2. Believes 9/11 wouldn't have happened if he was there

Insinuating none of the people who perished on United Airlines Flight 175 were either patriotic enough or starred in enough action movies, Mark Wahlberg felt confident asserting that he alone would have or could have been the crucial player to change the course of history. Grandpappy says the same thing but from his La-Z-Boy Coleman Reclina-Rocker.

3. Ruins the band FUN. for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Nate Ruess so it's impossible for me to watch FUN.'s music videos since their collective face pisses me off.

4. Ruins The Bourne Ultimatum for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Matt Damon so it's impossible for me to watch the Jason Bourne series since their collective face pisses me off.

I lose grandpap at the store a lot also. Do all white people look the same?

5. Assaulted a Vietnamese man just for being Vietnamese

In the late '80s, Mark Wahlberg was walking down the street carrying a large wooden beam and a 6 pack of beer, came across a Vietnamese man named Thanh, and beat him unconscious while calling him racial slurs. He continued on his way and punched another random Vietnamese man in the face. Wahlberg served 45 days in prison for attempted murder. 5 years later, he also beat his neighbor unprovoked by repeatedly kicking him in the jaw and face.

When asked about why he has not sought to make amends, Wahlberg said, "I did a lot of things that I regretted and I have certainly paid for my mistakes... It wasn't until I started doing right by other people as well as myself, that I really started to feel that guilt go away. So I don't have a problem going to sleep at night."

You know who else doesn't have a problem going to sleep at night? My no-good two-timing racist great grandpappy, who loves to shout expletives at any person with a vaguely dark complexion that appears on the television. This is the same man who dodged the draft in Vietnam but always talks about what he would've done if he had gone.

6. Loves cops

7. Irish Catholic

Hey, I never said that was a bad thing; just another similarity between him and grandpappy.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

Popular Right Now

The 10 Stages Of A 2:30 P.M. Kickoff, As Told By Alabama Students

But we still say Roll MF Tide!


We all have a love-hate relationship with a 2:30 p.m. kickoff at Bryant Denny Stadium, especially when it's 94 degrees.

1. Immediate sadness


What do you mean I have to wake up at 9 a.m. to get ready?

2. Bracing yourself for the worst


It's a marathon not a sprint ladies and gentleman.

3. Accepting the game is going to happen


Rain or shine we are all in that student section screaming our heads off.

4. Trying to wear the least amount clothes possible without being naked on the Quad


Is it me or does it get 10 times more hot the minute you walk on to the quad?

5. Shedding a tear when you walk out your front door once you feel the heat and humidity on your skin


Is it fall yet?

6. Drowning your sorrows inside a Red Solo cup at 11:30 a.m. at a fraternity tailgate


Maybe I'll forget about the humidity if I start frat hopping now.

7. Getting in line to go through security realizing it'll take an hour to actually get inside Bryant Denny


More security is great and all but remember the heat index in Alabama? Yeah, it's not easy being smushed like sardines before even getting into Bryant Denny.

8. Feeling the sweat roll down every part of your body


Oh yeah I am working on my tan and all but what is the point of showering before kick off?

9. Attempting to cheer on the Tide, but being whacked in the head with a shaker by the girl behind you. 


Shakers are tradition, but do we have to spin it around in a full 360 every two seconds? I have a migraine from just thinking about it.

10. Leaving a quarter into the game because Alabama is kicking ass and you're about to have a heat stroke.


I'll watch the rest in air conditioning thank you very much!

We may not love the 2:30 kickoffs but Roll Tide!

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

I Made Emma Chamberlain's Mediocre Vegan Cookies, And They're Pretty Incredible

Emma and her vegan cookies have made their way into my heart, and are here to stay.


One day, I went down the black hole that is 'YouTube at 3 am' and discovered my favorite social media influencer of all time: Emma Chamberlain. I started binge watching her videos every night for about a week, where I came across her "Cooking With Emma" series. I decided that I wanted to give her vegan antics a go for myself.

I've never cooked or baked anything with the intention of it being vegan, so not only is that new territory for me, but I've never even eaten a vegan cookie. The only reason I'm doing this is because Emma did, and she is aesthetic goals.

To start the journey of vegan baking, I took to Pinterest, just like Emma, and found this recipe to use. Although the video that inspired all of this used a gluten free recipe, I opted for only vegan, because I'm allergic to most of the ingredients that make things gluten-free.

In true Emma style, I used a whisk to combine the wet ingredients together, making sure to use her special technique.

Then, I did the same thing with the dry ingredients.

After that, I dumped everything together and combined all of the ingredients.

Once they were combined, I chopped up a vegan chocolate bar, because Emma and I like chocolate chunk cookies, not chocolate chip, there's a difference.

Now that everything is combined, I made balls of dough and stuck it on a pan, and baked them while I binged more Emma, because what else would I be doing in my spare time?

The recipe said to make the balls a lot smaller, but we aren't perfect, so I made them gigantic. In my head, I thought the worst thing that could happen was it turn into one big cookie, but that's a whole other video you need to watch.

I took them out of the oven, and they were brown on the top, but still a little doughy. At this point I was tired of waiting and eager to eat them, so I disappointingly set them aside to cool, which only lasted a minute or so before I snagged one up to try.

The taste was definitely one I've never associated with cookies, and came to the conclusion that if I decided to go vegan, it would be doable with these cookies and Emma Chamberlain by my side.

Emma inspired me to get out of my comfort zone, which is a reoccurring theme throughout her channel, and I'm happy to be apart of it. She taught me that even if mediocre cookies is all you have, eat them with pride because you made them yourself.

Related Content

Facebook Comments