7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

Marky Mark has a lot in common with the geezer in my living room.
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1. Opportunistic in times of atrocity

Whenever our local Friendly's is overwhelmed and understaffed, grandpappy creates a diversion or waits for a catastrophe to occupy the poor waitress on her second shift in order to swipe additional scoops of ice cream.

Exuding that same spirit, when Kevin Spacey was outed as a sexual abuser, Mark Wahlberg stepped up to the plate as the highest paid actor of the year and demanded $1.5 million behind closed doors for re-filming portions of All the Money in the World.

While everyone else decided it was for both the good of the film and correcting previous neglect of abuse, Wahlberg saw an opportunity to add to his measly $68,000,000 income for the year.

2. Believes 9/11 wouldn't have happened if he was there

Insinuating none of the people who perished on United Airlines Flight 175 were either patriotic enough or starred in enough action movies, Mark Wahlberg felt confident asserting that he alone would have or could have been the crucial player to change the course of history. Grandpappy says the same thing but from his La-Z-Boy Coleman Reclina-Rocker.

3. Ruins the band FUN. for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Nate Ruess so it's impossible for me to watch FUN.'s music videos since their collective face pisses me off.

4. Ruins The Bourne Ultimatum for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Matt Damon so it's impossible for me to watch the Jason Bourne series since their collective face pisses me off.

I lose grandpap at the store a lot also. Do all white people look the same?

5. Assaulted a Vietnamese man just for being Vietnamese

In the late '80s, Mark Wahlberg was walking down the street carrying a large wooden beam and a 6 pack of beer, came across a Vietnamese man named Thanh, and beat him unconscious while calling him racial slurs. He continued on his way and punched another random Vietnamese man in the face. Wahlberg served 45 days in prison for attempted murder. 5 years later, he also beat his neighbor unprovoked by repeatedly kicking him in the jaw and face.

When asked about why he has not sought to make amends, Wahlberg said, "I did a lot of things that I regretted and I have certainly paid for my mistakes... It wasn't until I started doing right by other people as well as myself, that I really started to feel that guilt go away. So I don't have a problem going to sleep at night."

You know who else doesn't have a problem going to sleep at night? My no-good two-timing racist great grandpappy, who loves to shout expletives at any person with a vaguely dark complexion that appears on the television. This is the same man who dodged the draft in Vietnam but always talks about what he would've done if he had gone.

6. Loves cops


7. Irish Catholic

Hey, I never said that was a bad thing; just another similarity between him and grandpappy.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Girl Who Still Has Her Mom This Christmas

To the girl with who is blessed enough to have her momma this Christmas. 
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     To the girl who is blessed enough to have her momma this Christmas, please remember to soak every last bit of it in. 

      Please remember to hug her so tight, that the way she smells is locked into your nose. Listen to all the stories you've heard a million times, like you've never heard a single one. Help her, even if it seems completely silly to you, help her mix that cake. Laugh, oh please laugh. Laugh at all her corky ways, at the way she mispronounces words, try's to be hip and use new found lingo, or how she cusses when she forgot to get the rolls out of the oven but quickly asks the Lord for forgiveness. Remember her laugh, etch it into your brain. Make her happy, if she wants to go riding around looking at Christmas lights down the same streets you've went for years, do it. Don't fuss, take her advice, agree to just disagree on things. It's not worth it. Most importantly, remind her over and over how much you love her. 

     Because unlike you, I'm not able to see my mom on Christmas. I'm not able to see her on birthdays, Thanksgiving, or any other occasion. My time with her is up. Death is the most permanent heartbreak. 

     How I long to hear her voice, her laugh. To feel her tight embrace. Smell, oh god, what I would give to just be able to smell her. I would absolutely love to go riding around for hours while she ohhs and ahhs at every single house we pass. If I had the opportunity I'd tell her just how much I love her, how I'm so thankful for all the sacrifices she made for me. In fact, I'm not sure I could ever tell her enough. 

      Some days I wake up and it still doesn't feel real. Others, I panic trying to remember exactly how she sounded. Because, I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget a single characteristic about her. Not one. 

     Take time, not just on holidays, or special occasions to be with your mom. Even if it's just you two piled up watching reruns of "The Little House on the Prairie", soak it in. 

    You only get one momma. Nobody could ever take her place. She's your rock. 

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25 Moments Of 'A Christmas Story' You Remember While Watching It 10 Times In A Row On Christmas

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

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Let's be real, you can't go through the holiday season without watching "A Christmas Story." It's a classic. I have to watch it at least once around Christmastime. Since it's iconic, it's very easy to remember everything that goes on throughout the film. Here are twenty five of the most memorable moments of the movie.

1. When poor Randy had to bundled up EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

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2. And in turn caused a huge problem. 

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3. Oh, and another problem. 

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4. When Ralphie dropped the F-Bomb in front of his father. He didn't say "fudge." 

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5. And he received the classic soap bar punishment. 

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6. When Swartz was persistent on getting what he wanted.

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7. When we realized Ralphie's father had never seen the word "fragile." 

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8. When Ralphie's mother was determined to keep her husband unhappy. 

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9. The one killjoy phrase quoted more than once. 

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10. When Ralphie got ripped off. 

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11. When Randy was picking at his food. 

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12. And his mother insisted on showing her how the piggies ate. 

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13. When the mall Santa got too close and personal. 

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14. Only to be a jerk in the end. 

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15. Let's not forget what Ralphie desperately wanted for Christmas. 

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16. When poor Flick was left to suffer on that pole. 

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17. When the family was forced to eat at a Chinese restaurant after their turkey was ruined. 

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18. And it was devoured by the neighbor's annoying hound dogs. 

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19. When Ralphie and his friends had to deal with this douchebag every time they left their houses. 

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20. It's okay, though. Ralphie eventually decides not to put up with it. 

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21. And let's not forget the pink nightmare Ralphie was given. 

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22. Ralphie's daydreams were interesting, too. 

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23. But some of them were weird. 

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24. When the Red Ryder BB gun ended up being a hazard after all. 

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25. Who am I kidding? The whole movie is memorable. 

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