1. Opportunistic in times of atrocity
Whenever our local Friendly's is overwhelmed and understaffed, grandpappy creates a diversion or waits for a catastrophe to occupy the poor waitress on her second shift in order to swipe additional scoops of ice cream.
Exuding that same spirit, when Kevin Spacey was outed as a sexual abuser, Mark Wahlberg stepped up to the plate as the highest paid actor of the year and demanded $1.5 million behind closed doors for re-filming portions of All the Money in the World.
While everyone else decided it was for both the good of the film and correcting previous neglect of abuse, Wahlberg saw an opportunity to add to his measly $68,000,000 income for the year.
2. Believes 9/11 wouldn't have happened if he was there
Insinuating none of the people who perished on United Airlines Flight 175 were either patriotic enough or starred in enough action movies, Mark Wahlberg felt confident asserting that he alone would have or could have been the crucial player to change the course of history. Grandpappy says the same thing but from his La-Z-Boy Coleman Reclina-Rocker.
3. Ruins the band FUN. for me
I can't tell the difference between him and Nate Ruess so it's impossible for me to watch FUN.'s music videos since their collective face pisses me off.
4. Ruins The Bourne Ultimatum for me
I can't tell the difference between him and Matt Damon so it's impossible for me to watch the Jason Bourne series since their collective face pisses me off.
I lose grandpap at the store a lot also. Do all white people look the same?
5. Assaulted a Vietnamese man just for being Vietnamese
In the late '80s, Mark Wahlberg was walking down the street carrying a large wooden beam and a 6 pack of beer, came across a Vietnamese man named Thanh, and beat him unconscious while calling him racial slurs. He continued on his way and punched another random Vietnamese man in the face. Wahlberg served 45 days in prison for attempted murder. 5 years later, he also beat his neighbor unprovoked by repeatedly kicking him in the jaw and face.
When asked about why he has not sought to make amends, Wahlberg said, "I did a lot of things that I regretted and I have certainly paid for my mistakes... It wasn't until I started doing right by other people as well as myself, that I really started to feel that guilt go away. So I don't have a problem going to sleep at night."
You know who else doesn't have a problem going to sleep at night? My no-good two-timing racist great grandpappy, who loves to shout expletives at any person with a vaguely dark complexion that appears on the television. This is the same man who dodged the draft in Vietnam but always talks about what he would've done if he had gone.
6. Loves cops
7. Irish Catholic
Hey, I never said that was a bad thing; just another similarity between him and grandpappy.