7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

7 Ways Mark Wahlberg Is Just Like My No-Good Two-Timing Racist Great Grandpappy

Marky Mark has a lot in common with the geezer in my living room.
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1. Opportunistic in times of atrocity

Whenever our local Friendly's is overwhelmed and understaffed, grandpappy creates a diversion or waits for a catastrophe to occupy the poor waitress on her second shift in order to swipe additional scoops of ice cream.

Exuding that same spirit, when Kevin Spacey was outed as a sexual abuser, Mark Wahlberg stepped up to the plate as the highest paid actor of the year and demanded $1.5 million behind closed doors for re-filming portions of All the Money in the World.

While everyone else decided it was for both the good of the film and correcting previous neglect of abuse, Wahlberg saw an opportunity to add to his measly $68,000,000 income for the year.

2. Believes 9/11 wouldn't have happened if he was there

Insinuating none of the people who perished on United Airlines Flight 175 were either patriotic enough or starred in enough action movies, Mark Wahlberg felt confident asserting that he alone would have or could have been the crucial player to change the course of history. Grandpappy says the same thing but from his La-Z-Boy Coleman Reclina-Rocker.

3. Ruins the band FUN. for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Nate Ruess so it's impossible for me to watch FUN.'s music videos since their collective face pisses me off.

4. Ruins The Bourne Ultimatum for me

I can't tell the difference between him and Matt Damon so it's impossible for me to watch the Jason Bourne series since their collective face pisses me off.

I lose grandpap at the store a lot also. Do all white people look the same?

5. Assaulted a Vietnamese man just for being Vietnamese

In the late '80s, Mark Wahlberg was walking down the street carrying a large wooden beam and a 6 pack of beer, came across a Vietnamese man named Thanh, and beat him unconscious while calling him racial slurs. He continued on his way and punched another random Vietnamese man in the face. Wahlberg served 45 days in prison for attempted murder. 5 years later, he also beat his neighbor unprovoked by repeatedly kicking him in the jaw and face.

When asked about why he has not sought to make amends, Wahlberg said, "I did a lot of things that I regretted and I have certainly paid for my mistakes... It wasn't until I started doing right by other people as well as myself, that I really started to feel that guilt go away. So I don't have a problem going to sleep at night."

You know who else doesn't have a problem going to sleep at night? My no-good two-timing racist great grandpappy, who loves to shout expletives at any person with a vaguely dark complexion that appears on the television. This is the same man who dodged the draft in Vietnam but always talks about what he would've done if he had gone.

6. Loves cops


7. Irish Catholic

Hey, I never said that was a bad thing; just another similarity between him and grandpappy.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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50 Quotes from the Best Vines

If you're picturing the vines in your head, you're doing it right
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In 2017 we had to say goodbye to one of the best websites to ever roam the internet: Vine. In case you have been living under a rock since 2013, Vine was -(sad face)- a website and app that took the internet and the app store by storm in Winter 2013. It contained 6-second videos that were mostly comedy- but there were other genres including music, sports, cool tricks and different trends. Vine stars would get together and plan out a vine and film it till they got it right.

It was owned by Twitter and it was shut down because of so many reasons; the viners were leaving and making money from Youtube, there was simply no money in it and Twitter wanted us to suffer.

There's been a ton of threads on Twitter of everyone's favorite vines so I thought I'd jump in and share some of my favorites. So without further ado, here are some quotes of vines that most vine fanatics would know.

1. "AHH...Stahhp. I coulda dropped mah croissant"

2. "Nate how are those chicken strips?" "F%#K YA CHICKEN STRIPS.....F%#K ya chicken strips!"

3. "Road work ahead? Uh Yea, I sure hope it does"

4. "Happy Crimus...." "It's crismun..." "Merry crisis" "Merry chrysler"

5. "...Hi Welcome to Chili's"

6. "HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT's gOoD fOr mE?" "THAT'S MY OPINIONNN!!!.."

7."Welcome to Bible Study. We're all children of Jesus... Kumbaya my looordd"

8. Hi my name's Trey, I have a basketball game tomorrow. Well I'm a point guard, I got shoe game..."

9. "It's a avocadooo...thanks"

10. "Yo how much money do you have?" "69 cents" "AYE you know what that means?" "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets"

11. "Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane Tortilla."

12. "Hey Tara you want some?" "This b*%th empty. YEET!"

13. "Get to Del Taco. They got a new thing called Freesha-- Free-- Freeshavaca do"

14. "Mothertrucker dude that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick"

15. "Two brooss chillin in a hot tub 5 feet apart cuz they're not gay"

16. "Jared can you read number 23 for the class?" "No I cannot.... What up I'm Jared, I'm 19 and I never f#@%in learned how to read."

17. "Not to be racist or anything but Asian people SSUUGHHH"

18. 18. "I wanna be a cowboy baby... I wanna be a cowboy baby"

19. "Hey, I'm lesbian" "I thought you were American"

20. "I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag" "you spilled- whaghwhha- lipstick in my Valentino White bag?"

21. "What's better than this? Guys bein dudes"

22. "How'd you get these bumps? ya got eggzma?" "I got what?" "You got eggzma?"

23. "WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE?" "THEY are my crocs!"

24. "Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?"

25. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEN!" "I can't sweem"

26. "Say Coloradoo" "I'M A GIRAFFE!!"

27. "How much did you pay for that taco?" Aight yo you know this boys got his free tacoo"

28. *Birds chirping* "Tweekle Tweekle"

29. "Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal"

30. "I brought you Frankincense" "Thank you" "I brought you Myrrh" "Thank you" "Mur-dur" "huh...Judas..no"

31. "Sleep? I don't know about sleep...it's summertime" "You ain't go to bed?" "Oh she caught me"

32. "All I wanna tell you is school's not important... Be whatever you wanna be. If you wanna be a dog...RUFF. You know?"33. "Oh I like ya accent where you from?" "I'm Liberian" "Oh, my bad *whispering* I like your accent..."

34. "Next Please" "Hello" "Sir, this is a mug shot" "A mug shot? I don't even drink coffee"


35. "Hey did you happen to go to class last week?" "I have never missed a class"

36. "Go ahead and introduce yourselves" "My name is Michael with a B and I've been afraid of insects my entire-" "Stop, stop, stop. Where?" "Hmm?" "Where's the B?" "There's a bee?"

37. "There's only one thing worse than a rapist...Boom" "A child" "No"

38. "Later mom. What's up me and my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker...GIVE ME MY HAT BACK JORDAN! DO YOU WANNA SEE UNCLE KRACKER OR NO?


39. "Dad look, it's the good kush." This is the dollar store, how good can it be?"

40. "Zach stop...Zach stop...You're gonna get in trouble. Zach"

41. "CHRIS! Is that a weed? "No this is a crayon-" I'm calling the police" *puts 911 into microwave* "911 what's your emergency"

42. "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? "

43. *Blowing vape on table* * cameraman blows it away* "ADAM"

44. "Would you like the spider in your hand?" "Yea" "Say please" "Please" *puts spider in hand* *screams*

45. "Oh hi, thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garrbaagge"

46. *girl blows vape* "...WoW"

47. *running* "...Daddy?" "Do I look like-?"

48. *Pours water onto girl's face" "Hello?"

49. "Wait oh yes wait a minute Mr. Postman" "HaaaAHH"

50. "...And they were roommates" "Mah God they were roommates"


I could literally go on forever because I just reference vines on a daily basis. Rest in peace Vine

Cover Image Credit: Vine

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22 'One Tree Hill' Moments That Leave Every College Girl Emotionally Crippled

Admit it, we've all felt this while watching the show...

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If you've seen this show, you know exactly what I am talking about...

1. Hatred for Dan

2. ...then feeling bad for hating him when he dies

3. Wanting to hug Whitey every episode he was in

4. Fangirling over how cute Haley and Nathan's relationship was

5. Balling your eyes out when Clay finds out he has a son

6. ...then crying even more when Clay and Quinn become a family

7. Jumping around in excitement when the Tree Hill Ravens win the state championship game

8. ...then Lucas says, "It's you" to Peyton

9. ...then crying again because Whitey is so cute

10. Being happy for Brooke when she finds out she's having twins

11. The thought of Dan and Rachel as a couple

12. Realizing how bada** Deb really is

13. Being inspired by the friendships

14. The sigh of relief you felt when finding out that Nathan was still alive

15. The amount of anxiety you had when seeing Dan kill Keith

16. Then the stress of no one finding out Dan did it until later on in the series

17. When the limo goes off the bridge on Nathan and Haley's wedding

18. ...then hating Rachel even more

19. When Brooke finds Julian

20. Wanting the famous Cracker Jack scene to happen to you

21. Being upset the last episode because it means it's over

22. ...then realizing you can't not watch OTH so you restart the series over again

Cover Image Credit:

The CW // https://stmed.net/celebrity/brooke-davis-wallpapers

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