My mother always told me that I am like a homing device for all sorts of different people. While I consider myself to be an accepting and welcoming person, I have come to realize that I cannot let everyone in my inner circle. Many people out there have pretended to have my best interest at heart, meanwhile hiding their own agendas and selfish wants, and have misused my trusting nature. It's taken years to pinpoint what types of people I should avoid, and this is what I have finally broken down.
1. The person who is constantly belittling you is not your friend.
I know this sounds pretty obvious -- if someone was being explicitly mean to you, why not just drop them? However, it's not that simple. This person's disdain for you usually manifests itself in sidelong comments or "jokes". When you find your friend continually makes little comments on your interests ("Wow, you would like that.."), your intelligence ("God, you're such a dumba**"), and all the other little things that make you-you, their trend of low-key judging you indicate they aren't really a true friend. This especially holds true when you find them comparing themselves to you.
2. If you find you're the rock of the relationship, it's time to go!
It drives me absolutely crazy that people do not understand the core concept of a relationship: IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT WORK. If you find you always organize all the friendly outings, always buy them food, always help them with their problems, and always invest your efforts into them and they don't reciprocate any of the above, do not waste your time. People like this are only worried about themselves and can even be parasitical, using you and giving nothing back. These people drain the best out of you and are very unlikely to change.
3. When they're always negative, it's like a raincloud above your head.
I believe that venting from time to time is perfectly healthy. To be completely optimistic is unrealistic, and one should lead a healthy middle by recognizing and accepting both good and bad. However, there's always that pessimist who makes everything ten times more dreary than it actually is. You're trying to be more positive and you have that friend who notices all the bad in the world. Their incessant whining almost immediately darkens your mood when you encounter them. Every time you are near this friend, they never speak of good things, and always treat themselves as the victim. These people are incredibly hindering and want you to stay on that same lower level as they are. You should surround yourself with people who both encourage you and understand that there are a time and place to express your negative thoughts, but not all the time.
4. Don't be friends with people who treat everything as a competition.
There is always that one friend who always has to one-up you. "I had the worst day," you could say, and almost immediately they would retaliate with something like, "Well, I bet mine was worse. I got in a fender bender, my cat died, my house set on fire, my credit score dropped by 400 points, blah blah blah." Okay, that may be a little drastic for an example. But I swear, it's almost like these friends milk their issues or accomplishments to out-do you. Rather than empathizing or relating to experiences, it's almost as if they're trying to prove something. Something amazing could come your way and they will try to one-up it. If you recognize that your friend behaves this way, also recognize that you will never win with them. Besides, these are totally the people who would propose to someone on YOUR wedding day at your wedding.
5. If you can't have a serious conversation with them, your friendship itself isn't serious.
Some of my favorite bonding experiences with friends are joking around, going out and having fun, and basically just goofing off. Being with people who bring out the fun side in you can be very cathartic. Yet, if you find it that you only are friends with these people to have fun and can't be real with them, it's time to re-evaluate. For example, if you hang out with the same friend to go drinking, but could not ever imagine them bonding with you over a cup of tea, or crying with you over an emotional experience, maybe they aren't part of your tribe. I feel healthy friendships should be an evenly distributed mix of fun and emotion. A friend who you can dance the night away with and also sit and talk to about the universe on your back porch at 2 AM is honestly one of the best friends you'll have.
6. The friends with empty promises are going to always disappoint you.
These people are the ones who promise to bring you soup when you're sick but never show. They say they're going to visit you while you're in town, but you spend money to buy a plane ticket, show up in their city, and then they ghost you. They tell you how much they value your friendship, but then treat you like garbage. I could go on with the list of disappointing things these people will do because it's almost endless. If you find you have a friend where the disappointments outweigh feelings of fulfillment, you should find a friend who is true to their word and values you as much as you do them.
7. If your mama doesn't like them, AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS.
I swear, mums have this sixth sense with friendships that not even science could possibly explain. You bring home that friend you swear is your BFF and will always have your back, and your mum is giving her the side-eye the whole time. She tells you what she thinks of the girl after she leaves, and you brush it off. Later on down the road, that very friend is betraying you for the very same reasons your mother told you why she didn't like her. It always happens this way, time and time again. Mums have been in your shoes, and with their experiences have understood the value of real friendship, which is something that even you will come to understand with time. Since you still don't know everything yet, you should rely on your mum for this. If she senses your friend isn't really down for you, be aware of this so you can safeguard yourself for the future.
Friendships can be tricky sometimes. None of us are perfect. But, when you find someone you know fulfills you emotionally, makes you happy, has your back, and understands you, hold onto them and love them as much as you can. That is a real friend.
