1. Chew With Your Mouth Open At The Dining Hall
Sweet! No class! It's time to go to the dining hall, while leaving your table manners at the door. I don't think people at the next table over can hear your useless jabber. Open your mouth, let audible air leave your body, and enjoy the limelight, kid. Of course you'll answer a question that wasn't directed towards you. That's what you're here for. No need to swallow those mashed potatoes; just share them with the rest of the table in tiny flying specks, as you flaunt your expert opinion on immigration and the refugee crisis. Go you!
2. Replace Your Alarm Clock With Loud Techno Music
Electropunk, Vaporwave, Folktronica? Doesn't matter. Crank up the loudspeakers before you go to bed and wake up to the glorious sounds of "Pilgrimage To Paradise" by Sourmash. Sure, it's Saturday and most of your floor is hungover, but they should've taken your daily 5 a.m. jam sessions into account before deciding to make misguided and illegal decisions. Is this why you have no more roommates and two strikes from Res Life? Possibly, but they'll come around one of these days. Techno has only been around for 27 years, so it'll be a while before people start joining your annual pilgrimages to Belleville, Michigan.
3. Scream Obscenities At Passersby
Open up your window and let everyone know that there's a First Amendment in the Constitution and that you intend to abuse it. It may be called catcalling when other guys do it, but when you do it, it's a stream of compliments that should be treasured. Hey, that guy over there is ignoring your very existence! Nobody is allowed to confidently strut by your window and make you miserable with their happiness! Let him have it!
4. Singlehandedly Bring Back Planking At The Dining Hall
Remember planking? Tebowing? The Jerk? The Plain White T's? Throw it back to 2009 and lay face-down on tables, soft-serve machines, and sandwich counters. People will think it's hilarious. Trust me.
5. Enter Fisticuffs With An Intramural Referee
Yeah, it's only broomball, but you want to win. If stripes is making garbage calls, he's not going to hear the end of it from you. Find out where his dorm room is, move onto his floor, and blast techno music until he cleans up his act.
6. Take The French Flag Filter Off Of Your Profile Picture
Too soon.
7. Lick All Of The Forks At The Dining Hall
Whether you're licking each fork individually, lining them up to play tongue piano, or drenching them in saliva by the fistful, the CDC will be arriving shortly.
