A lot of things hurt me. The comeback of windbreakers hurts me. The sight of an oncoming pimple hurts me. My alarm in the morning hurts me. When the dining halls have literally nothing good to offer me but decent detox water hurts me. My bank account hurts me. You get the point.
Does this election hurt you like it hurts me? Does hearing the names of the two candidates from the two major parties remind you of nails on a chalkboard? Do you hear babies scream at the sound of their voices? If you have the privilege of a write-in option on your ballot this election day, do I have great news for you! Here is a list of totally viable (and somewhat USC spirited) options for your next potential president!
1.Beau the Dog in the Engemann Health Center
Beau is a respectful, responsible, and pure soul. Moving on.
2. My Student Loans
I may have had some scathing words towards Wells Fargo, but these bad boys are under the care and supervision of this bank. Who doesn’t love looking debt in the eye every time they open their banking app? If you are looking for something that progresses, makes you cry, and will stay by your side until the very end, then here is a top pick for you! (Disclaimer: will not have an effect on you if you are in the 1%).
3. My 2003 Chrysler Sebring
If you are looking for something that isn’t the most aesthetically pleasing, but will most definitely --by the grace of God-- keep you safe when you find yourself skidding into the oblivion of an insurance scandal, then look no further. This car makes strange sounds when the AC is on, is insanely sun-damaged, filthy on the outside, had me stranded in Queen Creek at midnight, and is probably falling apart. However, with all the resilience it has proved, it could drive this country through another Great Depression if it needed to.
4. EVK-- Everybody’s Kitchen
Located between New/North Residential Hall, and Birnkrant Residential, this location is sure to keep you on your toes. With the recent Norovirus crisis, it still holds a special place within us, and will probably reach your stomach before it can tug on those heart strings (awww!). With its all inclusive atmosphere, you will never have to worry about the discrimination that comes along with a particular presidential candidate in the current race. The Greek Life may be prevalent in the residing residences, but you will never have to worry about being asked: “Who do you know here?”
5. The guy that couldn’t find my mail, nor my suitemate’s mail
If you find that having a sweet disposition, but also having no idea what is going on desirable leadership qualities, then here is the perfect write-in for you! The front desk is a rough place to be, but after ten minutes of searching, the Amazon packages were safe, and secure under this one’s arm. Of course, he is not a denizen of the building, so who could blame him? I couldn’t because he was too nice, but really, honestly, who would dare wage a war on a country led by such a sweetheart?
6. The Pole We Kick Before The Game
Do you find the trait of being a doormat appealing? Then this option may just be the perfect choice for you! Who doesn't find a president who resides as the Oval Office doormat attractive! This lucky pole became first pick for being kicked around on game day. If you're into a leader who let's their people really get in touch with their self, then this bruised pole is the presidential bae for you!
7. LA Traffic
