If you're like me, Halloween sounds more like a chore than a treat. Why are we expected to decorate our homes and buy delicious candy with the expectation of giving it away to kids? You would never carve a face into a Christmas tree, so why should we buy pumpkins with the intention of mutilating them?
And don't get me started on costumes. They're a lot of pressure. Especially after high school where there is a sexualized version of everything. Maybe I don't want to be a sexy scuba diver. Maybe I think scuba diving, as a career, is sexy enough on its own with having to wear a speedo instead of a wetsuit. If your costume is too obscure nobody will get it. My friend joked about this by dressing up as a meme.
If you're not obsessed with Halloween but are still going out to celebrate with other humans, against your will or otherwise, you have to dress up. Period. Because the only thing worse than a lame costume is no costume. Today's the big day and your Amazon Prime membership isn't going to come through for you this time. Luckily, I'm here to show you some quick and easy costumes that you can throw together with things you already have in your home.
1. The annoying guy who breaks out his guitar at parties
You've seen this person and you've hated this person. Now become this person and revel in it for the evening. You'll get bonus points if you stick to only playing "Wonderwall", "I'm Yours", and can awkwardly fumble through the opening of "Sweet Child O' Mine".
What you'll need:
- A guitar
- A button up t-shirt that has the last two buttons undone
- Leather jacket (optional)
2. Ken Bone
Everyone fell in love with Ken Bone during the second Presidential Debate for his sweet question, chubby cheeks, and modest fashion sensibilities. He wore a red sweater over a white collared shirt, but the great thing about this costume is that you can literally wear anything. Just tell your mom or any other maternal figure in your life that it's picture day at school and ask her to pick out an outfit for you. Whatever she chooses is what you wear.
What You'll Need
- Enough humility to ask your mother for fashion advice
3. Single
This one's super easy because you don't need to wear anything you wouldn't normally. Your lack of style is already a major deterrent for dating partners and tonight the otherwise debilitating fact that you have no one to hold at night will work in your favor.
What you'll need:
- Nothing. Just come to the party alone, just how you'll die.
4. A catcaller
Ladies, this one's for you. I'm sorry that strange men feel obligated to yell out every obscene and sexual desire they have about you when you walk near them. Flip the script. You can dress up as a cat holding a big telephone and make passive aggressive comments about the guys who make unwanted and unflattering advances on you. For all their big talk, men are fragile and will crumble if you attack their ego. But you already knew this. Alternatively, a guy could be this as well and dedicate himself to complimenting women on their non-physical traits. If you can't think of anything try "It's so nice to see you and I hope you have a good time tonight regardless if you are willing to make out with me."
What you'll need:
- A piece of paper or pipe cleaners to make cat ears.
5. Make America Great Again
Many will debate on when America was great. For instance, was America great before or after white people murdered and raped the indigenous people and took over their land? Or perhaps was the greatest time in American history when black people were considered property. No, that couldn't be, but sure it was before woman's suffrage. I'm just being cheeky. Every knows that America peaked in the 90s.
What you'll need:
- Any clothes you wore in the 90s that still fit you. If you don't have any, print out a bunch of pictures of your favorite cartoons and sitcoms and tape them on your body.
6. An athlete
Everyone has workout clothes even if you don't workout in them very often. Throw them on and choose a sport. Make the sport as generic as possible. I'm a distance runner or a basketball player. One outfit fits all.
What you'll need:
- Gym shorts and sneakers
7. Gordan Ramsay
All it takes the be the world's greatest chef is a heavy bags under your eyes and a pinch of sass. Using the Ken Bone costume as a base, you can be the King of Cooking in a matter of minutes
What you'll need:
- Any kitchen utensil, preferably not a sharp knife.
- The ability to quickly make a joke about why whatever your eating is utterly repulsive
Halloween doesn't have to be a hassle. Show the world how much you don't care about the holiday by putting in as little effort as possible and still winning everyone's approval. If you have any other ideas or you'd like to share about the effortless costume you wore this year, leave a comment below. Have a safe and spoopy Halloween!
