Look, I don't know about you, but for me, 2017 has already been far too absurd and gone on far too long. At this point, the four weeks that we've endured of it have felt longer than all of 2016 (though that might be because I have blocked a significant part of last year from my memory). This definitely doesn't bode well for the rest of this year; if I can barely handle one month, how can I manage eleven more? And then there's like the rest of my life, too?
What I've found that I'm struggling with so far this year is how to convey my general exhaustion in a way that gets people to understand that I don't want to deal with them in any way. Honestly, it kind of feels like I haven't slept since this year began. But also, it kind of feels like I genuinely haven't slept since I exited my mother's womb. This feeling makes me very irritable and, thus, makes me want to interact with human beings much less than a person who is well-rested and optimistic and doesn't find that the current state of the world dries them out from the inside until they remain a husk of their former self.
In order to combat offending people who don't deserve my scorn, I'm trying to come up with ways to express my life-weary exhaustion in a way that involves the minimum amount of engagement. If you're facing similar problems, I invite you to test out these options.
1. Wear old-fashioned deep-sea diving gear. Constantly.
I'm serious. Don't take it off. As soon as you have people realizing that you're a real person under there instead of some kind of ghost from an episode of Scooby-Doo, you will be forced into interacting with members of the outside world.
2. Speak only in limericks.
It might take some preparation on your part, but as soon as everything that leaves your mouth is in sing-songy poetic form, no one is going to want to try holding any kind of conversation. Better yet, you could just repeat the same limerick over and over again. People are bound to get tired of that almost immediately and leave you alone for the rest of your life.
3. Become an amateur magician.
I only offer this option because it would give you a means of disappearing into a cloud of smoke whenever you wanted. If, somehow, you become trapped in a conversation that you don't want to be a part of, merely throw down a smoke bomb and high-tail it out of there. They might be impressed with your skill at first, but if you commit, they'll eventually get tired of inhaling fake smoke and leave you be.
4. Only respond to people via carrier pigeon.
This one works out in multiple ways: not only will your acquaintances get tired of asking you a question and receiving a live bird in their face a few minutes later, but you also get to chill with a bunch of birds instead of people! Only downside is probably having to deal with a bunch of bird poop, but hey, it's a small price to pay for extended silence.
5. Speak only in click bait-esque titles.
Actually, this is probably more effective if you shout them. For example, if that dude in your lit class asks you how your morning went, be sure to shriek something along the lines of: "COLLEGE STUDENT EATS NOTHING BUT SPECIAL K CEREAL FOR 4 YEARS — YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO HER INSIDES!" and carry on with your day.
6. Just go to sleep for 400 years.
I know what you're thinking: "But that's longer than the average human life span!" You're right. And I don't care. Just try it and you could be surprised at the results!
7. Every time you open your mouth, play the "Seinfeld" bass line.
It'll be really funny at first but the novelty will wear off once people realize they will never hear your voice again. If you're worried about getting bored with hearing the same thing over and over again for the rest of your life, feel free to switch it up every now and then. Alternative options are: the "Silent Hill" siren, the saxophone riff in "Careless Whisper," and frantic slide-whistling noises.
