Oh Twitter, a little blue bird symbolizing a global watering hole of relatable tweets, social ineptitudes, and unbelievable stupidity. It was the best of apps, it was the worst of apps. Twitter can be an incomprehensible tool to receive information at your fingertips or a complete social disaster. Social media has become a necessary evil in our lives and it's pertinent to understand how to use your powers for good. For those of you who have fallen and cannot get up out of the Twittersphere, you surely recognize these seven deadly sins that will send yourself or your followers into social media purgatory...or hell (dun dun dun).
1. Thou Shalt Not Brag About Workout
Unless you are literally Ronda freaking Rousey the likelihood of anyone caring about whether or not you worked out today is nada. It's great that you're out there getting fit and taking steps towards a healthy lifestyle! You should be proud of yourself. Go you! But tools belong in a shed, and for the love of all things good and Holy please refrain from posting about how much you sweat, how proud your trainer is and how delicious your post-workout protein shake was.
Exception: Once in a while is completely acceptable. Did you participate in an Iron Man? Lose 50 pounds? You have the green light. Daily offenders not permitted.
2. Thou Shalt Not Drunk Tweet
If you ever want to be employed in your lifetime it's probably in your best interest to not tweet about getting absolutely plastered and passing out in an alley covered in 7-Eleven pizza, Mountain Dew Code Red and regret. Your future boss is not interested in whether or not you prefer slamming shots of Fireball over Vodka, and he/she certainly doesn't want to see photos of it either.
Exception: No exceptions.
3. Thou Shalt Not Complain About First World Problems
The world can be a cruel, cruel place full of cracked iPhone screens, long lines for coffee, late trains, horrible customer service, and less than satisfying season finales. We've all been there. We all want to tweet out our frustrations about how rude the barista is or how badly we need to get our roots done. Let's all try and keep this at a minimum and focus on the positive.
4. Thou Shalt Not Upload Selfies
This is just...uncomfortable. Twitter is a platform based off words so when you tweet a random selfie with a vague emoji it's like...are you asking for feedback? A critique? Should we be giving you constructive criticism on what to do better next time? "Sorry pal you really should have went with Valencia." Spare us the awkward friendtervention and keep your selfies on Instagram (or your camera roll) where they belong.
Exception: If you run into Ed Sheeran on the street please take a selfie and post it with abandon because we are happy for you.
5. Thou Shalt Not Subtweet
If you are still subtweeting and above the age of 16 you are 2000-and-late my friend. If you have a problem with someone, hash it out! Let them know how you feel. Be a grown up. Or @ them for all we care. There's nothing cute about a passive aggressive and blatantly obvious subtweet. In the words of the late Hannah Montana nobody's perfect, and we all do it sometimes because for whatever reason there is just no feeling comparable to that of digital, mysterious revenge.
6. Thou Shalt Not Fish For Compliments
Refrain from putting yourself down online just because you think people will jump at the opportunity to put you on a pedestal. Nobody's biting, my friend. No matter how much bait you use chances are your line will come up empty.
7. Thou Shalt Not Make Twitter a Diary
I know we all have a lot of feelings and want to bake a cake and eat it together, but some things are better left for an actual, physical diary. Here's a rule of thumb: If we are able to piece together the nitty gritty details of your breakup from a series of vague tweets followed by sad emojis, you are doing too much. As Abby Lee Miller says, "save the tears for your pillow."
