Warning: Spoilers
This weekend, my roommate and I went to go see The Witch. For those of you who haven't heard of it, The Witch is a psychological thriller about a family in colonial New England. The opening scene is of a trial, which leads to the family's banishment from their plantation, thus forcing them into the New England woods. By the time you're finished watching well done nature shots, long black screens in between scenes surrounded by terrifying music, and outstanding acting, you've witnessed what I would say is a fabulous modern horror film.
But... It is a little, artsy, if you will. So to try and understand the film better, I started writing down my thoughts. Doing this didn't help me unpack the movie, but it was pretty entertaining.
So here are 65 thoughts I had while watching The Witch:
1. Ooh, spooky music
2. Honestly, how long is this black screen going to stay up there
3. Wait is something going to jump out at us?
4. I cannot, for the life of me, understand these accents
5. I'm from New England and it's nothing like this
6. Who's idea was it to banish them anyway?
7. Why is the father kissing the ground... Never mind they were praying
8. Wow they build that house fast
9. Where did they get their animals?
10. These twins are already the scariest part of this movie
11. This is the cutest baby I've ever seen wow
12. I saw the commercial for this movie so I know the baby is going to be gone in...3, 2, 1... Bye
13. DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS AFTER THAT BABY
14. Hahah ew what is that? The witch?
15. I wish the witch would put pants on
16. WOW SHE JUST KILLED THE BABY.
17. I'm pretty sure just watching this might be a sin
18. This poor family
19. Honestly if I didn't see the commercial I would think the mom's crying was the baby
20. Why is the brother checking out his sister? Not. Normal.
21. Do Puritans still exist? Probably not like this. Are they even Puritans?
22. Okay so they're hunting... I SAID DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS
23. That gun is the size of that kid. Someone. Is. Going. To. Get. Hurt.
24. Oh a bunny
25. Not a cute bunny
26. Probably the devil
27. Probably should have baptized your baby.
28. If they're an overly religious family, why didn't they baptize their baby? Didn't they see this coming?
29. Why does everyone hate this girl
30. I hate the dad
31. I am perpetually not scared
32. Okay I'm kind of scared
33. Honestly with those twins again
34. And the freaking goat
35. Again with the brother checking out his sister (??)
36. DON'T TELL YOUR SISTER YOU'RE A WITCH. DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THIS WORKS. She dead.
37. We've already been here an hour.
38. When is the spooky stuff going to start happening?
39. oh my God. Don't go into the woods. I said. Do not. Go. Into. The. Woods.
40. THAT BUNNY. SOMETHING IS OFF.
41. NOT THE DOG. DO NOT. KILL. THE. DOG
42. Wow okay don't separate from each other
43. Uh oh, don't make-out with the witch
44. There are the boobs you wanted, little brother. But now you're dead
45. This girl is seriously in the wrong place in the wrong time a lot
46. It's okay my parents would be mad if I lost my brother again too
47. Heyyyyyy she found him
48. Put some clothes on, come on guys
49. Hey there's the apple he was looking for (heavy handed religious imagery)
50. oh my goodness those twins though
51. Twins talking in unison is never good....
52. Yeah no, it wasn't good
53. The dad is losing his marbles
54. Enough sass, Thomasin
55. THE TWINS ARE WITCHES (???)
56. Can you not lock your children in a barn, thanks
57. WITH THE GOAT.
58. Once, again, the witch should put on pants
59. When you get your kid confused with a crow, lol
60. There goes dad, bye
61. Killing your mom is definitely a sin
62. You know you're turnt af when the goat talks back
63. More naked...
64. Everyone in this movie is naked
65. *Satanically floats away*
