I recently turned 22 years old. To most people that would seem like an insignificant birthday, but for me it means I was done with my honeymoon period with alcohol. No more buying Walgreens brand whiskey in a plastic bottle, it was time to class things up a little bit and get serious. Because of this change I started learning about the classiest kind of drinking you can do, wine drinking. I haven't quite achieved the level of pretending to know what all the flavors in a wine are, but I have been learning a lot about pairings. Here are some of my favorite wine pairings that may not have been obvious to you before, but I'm sure we can all agree, go together perfectly.

1. Barefoot Moscato and Newly Discovered Alcoholism

You might know Barefoot as the brand of wine that is constantly on sale at Target, or, if you're a woman who went to college, the reason you were puking every Saturday.

If you're drinking straight rum at an alarming rate, someone might notice that there's a problem and try to shut down your alcoholism before it gets a chance to really get fun. You're just out of college! You don't need people telling you that you drink too much, you're just adjusting to adult life that's all.

By buying Barefoot (at about $4 a bottle on sale) you can sneak your alcoholism past your pesky friends no problem. It's not too atypical for a group of friends to go through a couple bottles of wine, and they don't need to know that you have six of them. Just put two out and drink from that, then slip away to your room or the kitchen or wherever you hide the rest and pull double duty. This pairing is great too because all the sneaking around helps burn some extra calories.

2. Franzia Old World Classic: Chianti and Your Mom's Book Club

It's that time of the month again for your mom... Book club! Whether you're too guilty to refuse the invite, or you're still living at home like some kind of loser, eventually you will probably have to experience one of your mom's book club meetings. Now nothing goes better with one of these meetings than a five-liter box of wine. See, to make this experience even remotely bearable you're going to have to be drunk, and for some reason, even though they choose to do it every month, your mom and her friends feel the same way. The most important thing at this point is quantity, you have to make sure all of the participants can stay drunk long enough to get through the meeting. You also have to make sure there isn't too much, so nobody dies driving home. Well, okay, we'd all be okay with a certain member of the club dying on the way home. Am I right ladies? You know who I'm talking about. I know, I'm so bad. A 5 liter box seems to be an appropriate amount, since it's basically proven that moms and middle aged women get embarrassingly drunk faster than anyone else in the world.

3. Fonseca Bin no. 27 Port and Declaring Your Romantic Feelings for a Longtime Acquaintance

Port wine is great for a couple reasons, like it's sweet taste or how it makes you feel like a pirate when drinking it. The best part about port, however, is its high alcohol content. This makes it a perfect pairing for finally divulging your hidden romantic feelings for a long time friend or acquaintance. Work your way through a bottle of this and you'll definitely have the confidence needed to let your feelings flow unfiltered. How could this person possibly say no?

4. A Second Bottle of Port, Crushing Rejection, and Resulting Spiral

Okay so they said no, who cares, this just gives you the opportunity to try our next pairing. A second bottle of the same port and an attempt to drown any negative feelings with sweet grape flavored poison water. Again the high alcohol content of the port is what makes this the wine of choice to go with your spiraling depression. I mean, let's face it, you've never been that well adjusted to begin with so at this point the safest thing for everyone is if you just drink yourself into a coma before you do anything too stupid.

5. An Empty Bottle of Port, an Old T-shirt, Accelerant and Your Office Window.

Okay, so you didn't pass out like you were intending, and you're pretty pissed off about your current situation. How did you get to this point in your life? Working a job you hate, making barely enough to pay off your student loans.

May I recommend our next wonderful wine pairing, your empty port bottle, one of your old T-shirts and some gasoline? At first this pairing might seem a bit dull, so I suggest you next pair a lighter and the end of the T-shirt. Top it all off by pairing the whole combination with your office window. As a bonus this will make you feel even more like a pirate than you did before. That'll show them for turning you into a robot. You're still pretty drunk and not too sure about the consequences, but as the cops pull up to find you urinating on the side of a burning office building you're sure of one thing, you never have to go back to work.

6. Toilet Wine and a Burgeoning Romance with Your Cellmate

For obvious reasons you are now in jail, so your pairings are pretty limited at this point. I think the best option now is to make your own toilet wine. Now, toilet wine may be terrible and disgusting but it's a pretty good commodity in jail. Pair the toilet wine you make with that little spark of romance between you and your cellmate and who knows where the night could take you (within the confines of your cell, obviously).