On July 15, 2016, Vans Warped Tour visited the lovely Burgettstown, PA. Freaks and outcasts near and far flocked to First Niagara Pavilion to see their satanic idols and worship the devil. I'm just kidding. We slaughtered a few lambs, but that's about it. (No lambs were actually hurt in the making of this list.)
Warped Tour is definitely an experience, man. It is as hot as hell all day, you're packed tight next to a thousand sweaty bodies, water costs an arm, a leg, and a quarter of your soul, and you will see all walks of life. It is so worth it though. It is the one concert I make a point to attend every year. I'm not calling myself an expert in telling you how to survive this music festival, but I can offer you a few tips to keep you alive.
1. Do not wear sunscreen.
You may be thinking to yourself, "Didn't this guy just say that it was as hot as hell?" You, sir, are correct. The sun will literally kick your ass from one side of the venue to the other, but you, under no circumstances, cannot wear sunscreen. If you wear sunscreen at Warped Tour, are you really that hardcore? Answer: NO.
2. Do not let anyone see that you have cigarettes.
Everyone, their mother, brother, sister, father, first-cousin and dog smokes cigarettes at Warped Tour. These people also will not bring their own cigarettes. They will not hesitate to ask to bum a cigarette. My advice: Buy two or three packs. Keep one for yourself, and sell the other two for $1 a piece. BAM! You just made yourself $40.
3. People will be outrageously drunk, and they may try to fight you.
DO NOT PROVOKE THE DRUNKS TO FIGHT. The people you will encounter at Warped Tour are slightly, certifiably insane. If you make them mad, they will fight. Avoid obnoxiously intoxicated individuals.
4. If you are in a mosh pit, get ready to fight for your life.
Pits are what make Warped Tour, Warped Tour. The key is to find a bunch of rowdy people, and start pushing them around. This is when shit hits the fan. It is the greatest part of Warped Tour. If you're looking to get crazy, jump in the pit. You may also accidentally break someone's nose. (True story.)
5. Watch out for crowd surfers.
People love to have nearest big, burly dude (Me.) Pick them up and throw them up, and have you throw them on top of the crowd. If you are one of the poor, unfortunate souls in front of those crowd surfing, be ready to catch them, or you're going to have them landing crotch first on your face. Also, if you like to make their ride a little more entertaining, when you catch them, get under them, use your Pokemon trainer strength, and seismic toss that guy 10 feet into the air.
6. WATER WATER WATER.
BRING YOUR OWN WATER. BRING YOUR OWN WATER. BRING YOUR OWN WATER. Water, something that should be easily accessible to all living creatures on the planet, cost almost as much as the cost of my tuition. It is ridiculously expensive to buy a bottle of water at these venues. Bring your own bottle of water. Warped Tour also does this cool thing where they have free water refill stations. So, if you bring your own bottle or buy one, save that bottle. By doing this, you will save your life.
My final piece of advice is, Goodluck! You will definitely enjoy yourself at Vans Warped Tour. Even if you do not know any of the bands, go. It really is a great experience. Jump in a pit, drink your body weight in water, throw some people around, and you will be a-okay!
