It's summertime, baby! That can only mean one thing: the moon's bastard cousin is out to play, and he/she/they are not messing around. Look at the sun if you dare. In fact, do it regardless. It will make you stronger. When it comes to proper skincare, though, you better be up to the task. Follow these easy tips and tricks to beat the heat this summer season!
1. Lather Up With SPF 65!
The sun is hot — there's no two ways about it. Unless you want to get your skin bubbling and popping like a boiling pot of water, then you absolutely need to cover yourself in cream. Be wary — in general — when someone gives you advice along those lines. In this case, though, cream-covering is the way to go. Keep cool, ladies and gents!
2. Assault NBA Superstar Dwayne Wade
Dwayne Wade exploded into the NBA as a rookie in 2003 with 16.2 points per game and 4.5 assists per game. Now, you'll have to explode his legs in order to get a good shot at this bonafide All-Star! If you don't, you're looking at a fight with a very strong man who will certainly defend himself against your unprovoked attack. Nobody said it'd be easy, but it sure is worth it!
3. Watch "Heat" (1995) in Less Than 2:50:20
A young Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro teamed up with director Michael Mann to craft this dark tale of parallel pain: a cop and criminal who may have more in common than either would care to admit. The feature film is currently available on Netflix for your viewing pleasure! It runs 2 hours, 50 minutes, and 20 seconds... but if you're looking to beat this classic thriller then you'll have to watch it faster than that!
Quick tip: skip the end of the movie.
4. Use Cheat code: R1, R1, CIRCLE, R2, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT
The cops are hot on your tail, your eyes are bloodshot from having only drank Mountain Dew for the past three days, and you've nearly finished Trevor's main story missions. Your mom is hollering at you to shut off the boob tube — God, she's so unfair. Keep it clean this summer season by shedding the heat with a few quick clicks. Scarf down your mama's lasagna and rush back to your TV — that virtual strip club isn't going to make you uncomfortable with your sexuality unless you put in the work!
5. Dominate the Swedish Alt-Rock Scene
Sweden is home to many things. Don't worry what they are. Instead, worry about H.E.A.T., one of Sweden's premiere (only?) rock bands. If you're looking to beat the H.E.A.T. this summer, you're going to have to challenge them to a Battle of the Bands. Try organizing your own week-long music festival that culminates in a fiery showdown between you and the Swedish band that Mick Jagger once called "on stage." Don't skimp on the pyrotechnics!
6. Beat Your Meat
Experience the pleasure of the flesh underneath the largest tree you can find. Remember: this is what Walt Whitman did all day. Do you think you're better than Walt Whitman? I didn't think so. Go stroke yourself under an oak.
Oh wait, I misread the title. Is it too late to take this one back?
Bonus: Song of the Summer!