After my last week's article talking about the six types of professors that you see in college, I felt that this week, it was only appropriate to talk about the six types of students that you will see in college.
1. The No-Show.
There's always at least one student in every class I've ever taken that will have their name called during roll, and they're just never there. This is the no-show. Similar to Bigfoot, the no-show is a mystery, and attempts at capturing pictures are often blurry. Chances are, you think you might be seeing a no-show on campus, but when you do a double-take, they've vanished. Yet, with their name being called during attendance at the beginning of every lecture, they're clearly doing well enough that they don't need to drop the class. One has to then wonder if the no-show is perhaps a different species with intelligence that far surpasses that of a human. It is for this reason that I fear the no-shows and their omniscient ways.
Warning: If you ever actually meet the no-show, run. There are currently none in captivity and no previous studies have been conducted to show the magnitude of what they're capable of.
2. Teacher's Pet.
The teacher's pet is the student who has a strong connection with the professor. They can often be caught sitting in the first row and staying for a few minutes after class to tell the professor how much they enjoyed that day's lecture. We all love to hate on the teacher's pet, but I think that there's a subconscious envy towards them. They are usually pretty harmless and seem to interact more with the professor than the other students. I haven't met a teacher's pet that doesn't do well in that professor's class. In a chicken/egg debate way, I often spend my lectures quizzically looking at this creature and wondering, Do you do so well because you're a teacher's pet, or are you a teacher's pet because you do so well?
Side note: Teacher's pets are great to be in groups with for projects. They'll clarify everything with the professor and chances are, you'll do really well with minimal effort.
3. Back Of The Room Sitter.
A back of the room sitter is pretty self-explanatory. This is the student who chooses to sit in the back of the class. A solid majority of students fall into this category, and that's impressive to me. It's hard to cram a classroom's worth of students into the back half of a classroom, but these ones manage to do it. Back of the room sitters would sooner sit on someone else's lap in the back before they are caught sitting in the first six rows of the room. Why are some students like this? Some reasons are extremely valid. It might be easier for them to see back there. However, most probably just subconsciously think that the professor will not see them if they're back there, and they can avoid getting called on to actively participate. Maybe if they sit still long enough, the professor will just assume that they're part of the background. They hope to blend into the wall like an inspirational poster of a kitten holding onto a branch that says, "Hang in there!"
Side note: No shows are often back of the room sitters as well when they do decide to grace the class with their presence, so if you're looking for a familiar face every day, you probably won't find it in the back of the room.
4. The Walking Syllabus.
You check your phone -- 10 minutes until class is over. Your eyes dart around the room looking at each student as sweat starts to form on your forehead -- it could be any of them. The professor is thinking of letting you out of class a little early when, suddenly, a hand reaches up at the front of the class. The professor calls on them and they say something along the lines of, "Weren't we supposed to have a quiz today?" The blood drains from your face and you realize you've found the walking syllabus of that class. This student has made it their unofficial responsibility to memorize the syllabus. This shouldn't affect you, but it does as they are a constant reminder to the professor of homework assignments and quizzes. This cold-hearted creature thrives off of being a top student without being a teacher's pet. They want every single point they can possibly get, and they don't care which students they destroy in the process.
Interesting findings: Like the same poles of two magnets, the walking syllabus and the teacher's pet repel each other. While both sit in the front of the class, they will almost always be on opposite sides of the room.
5. The Seat Switcher.
One of the most notable phenomenon in college is that students sit anywhere they want on the first day of class, and that's where they decide to sit every day for the rest of the semester. It goes without saying. That's just what you do. In high school, all anyone wanted was for their teacher to change the seating chart. Then we got the freedom of no seating assignments at all in college, and we panicked. It's not even a big deal, until the seat switcher is in your spot one day. This student doesn't realize that this unspoken rule applies to them too (or maybe they do and they just like creating chaos). All of a sudden, class is about to begin and you're still standing because you don't know where to go. The bad news is, you can't even say anything because, technically, it isn't your seat. The good news is, this classroom nomad probably won't be in your spot again tomorrow.
Fun game: If you are extremely bored during class one day, play a round of "Find the seat switcher." It's a lot like "Where's Waldo?"
6. Reality Show Contestants.
While each reality game show contestant is different, there are always two types that will be on every show, and there are two types that will appear in every class.
The One Who "Didn't Come Here To Make Friends"
Turn on any episode of "America's Next Top Model," "Survivor," or even, "Hell's Kitchen," and at some point in the season you will find at least one contestant who lets the world know, "I didn't come here to make friends." They're in it to win it, and so are these students. Similar to their reality show counterparts, these students will probably appear as friendly before class starts. But when that professor starts talking, you'd better believe they're going to stop. All they want to do is take notes and go home. That's completely fine. More power to them. Just know that when you ask to get lunch after class with them because you had a good conversation before it started, your inquiry will be met with a scoff at your repugnant ignorance. They're leaving.
Synonyms: "Commuter"
The One Who Only Came Here To Make Friends.
I know many upperclassmen like to make fun of freshman, but genuinely I have no problem with them. I will say, though, that most of these students are freshman. The only reason I say this is because you mostly find these students in gen-eds, and they're also new to college and truly are worried about making friends. It's not a bad thing to want to make friends with your classmates. In fact, it's encouraged. However, this student is going to spend the entire class trying to do that, and you're going to pay for it. They'll either be talking to you the whole time about some party they went to over the weekend and how, "Oh my gosh, you totally need to come with next time!" Or they'll be doing it to the person on the other side of them. You'll probably find yourself staring wide-eyed at your professor and wondering how they are possibly not hearing this person who it talking at the same volume as them.
Defense strategy: Know a foreign language. As soon as they start talking to you, you can just pretend you don't speak English and watch them slowly turn 180 degrees to the person on the other side of them.
So, which one are you?
