Before I got to high school, I believed that anyone over the age of sixteen was an adult. Thinking about it now, I've never felt more like a child. If you asked the person I was in seventh grade where I would be at this point, I would have pictured a woman with long beautiful hair and clear skin who dressed like they had just returned from a job as a CEO in downtown Manhattan. I don't think I had a very good perception of how time worked, especially considering I also believed that I would have figured it all out by now. If I could go back to that scared little girl, I would tell her everything that I had to learn by myself. I would tell her things that only time can teach.
The first thing I wish I knew, is that honesty isn't always the best policy. I know that the younger version of me is shaking her head in dismay at hearing this, but I have seen too many people hurt by irrelevant things that they didn't need to know. I wish somebody could have told me not to listen if someone comes up to you, and tells you someone is saying awful things behind your back. I wish, instead of asking what those horrible things were, I'd ignored it entirely. I've seen people crushed by the weight of honesty, and if it's not necessary, don't let someone break because of a painful truth that they can live without hearing.
Before I turned nineteen, I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to still be slightly dependent. Not specifically on your parents, or money, but on the people around you. I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to let your friends help you with your personal problems, or lend you money as long as you pay them back. I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to still ask questions, and accept help and care from the people around me.
I wish I knew that one of the most beautiful things about life is being able to surprise yourself. There is absolutely no shame in figuring out new things about yourself. Trying new foods or falling in love with an idea or sport or religion completely out of your comfort zone. Saying something risky just because it felt right on your tongue. Remind yourself that no matter how well you know yourself, there is so much more you can still become.
I wish I knew that love was not a one-time endeavor with the first person who calls your flaws perfection. Someone should have let me know that the first love does not mean the best love. Being in love is not a certain depth. It plunges lower or rises like a shallow lake. Not all types of love are the same, and when the first person you've ever loved breaks your heart, it will heal, and if you're patient, time will take care of everything.
I wish that before I turned nineteen, someone had told me that I'll never grow up as much as I expected myself to. The mature person I expected myself to become, is not who I am because I will always be a child inside. I refuse to grow up. I will one day be independent and responsible and ten times more logical than I am now, but I will still find pieces of who I was when I was sixteen. I never want to lose who I was before I became an adult in the eyes of the law. I will stay curious, and kind, and try my best to surprise myself every day.
Life is very short, and I'm trying my best to teach myself things, and experience life as I go. I think that might be the final thing I wish I could have learned; experience the ride as you're on it. Don't rush life in the hopes of growing up to become something more. We are so much already.
