1.The Stage-Five Clinger
Borrowing a term from "Wedding Crashers," whether you yourself are a needy person or not, you know this guy and you do NOT like him. This guy is not a boyfriend. He may have been close to that at one time — a date to an event, a friend with a one-sided crush, maybe even a guy you were interested in at one point — but it never went further than that. That is because his weird, needy, overly committal ways drove you up the wall and far, far away. He wanted to jump into a relationship almost immediately. He read way too much into what you were saying. He always double, triple, or even quadruple texted when you didn’t respond right away. Worse, he’ll slide into your DMs, Facebook messages, or Snapchat if he doesn’t get the hint when you STILL don’t text him back. It’s not that he’s thoroughly undatable; it’s just that whenever you’re around him, the thought of him touching you physically repulses you. He’s just too much. You will go out of your way to avoid this guy, but he will always find you.
Famous example: Ted Mosby from “How I Met Your Mother.” Don’t fight me on this; he’s the living worst.
2. The Drug Rug
There comes a time in every college girl’s life when she will become the eensiest bit granola. No matter how granola she becomes, she will undoubtedly attract at least one of these dudes. And he is a “dude,” trust me. He’s probably cute in a grungy way. You likely found him longboarding on campus, but you never really see him go to class. He’ll talk about his distrust of authority (“He doesn't have a job because he's so independent!”) and his love of nature. More than likely, he’ll take you on at least one date that consists of going to his friend’s house where he’s “crashing for a while” and showing you pictures from The Chive that you don’t really think are funny, but laugh at anyway. He’ll get into at least one argument about organized religion with someone at your work party while you struggle to defend his unwashed hair. While he may seem edgy and earthy at first, know that he’ll eventually want you to financially support his disc golf career.
Famous example: Picture Matthew McConaughey but kind of fat and poor. Not so great now, huh?
3. The Nice Frat (aka Mr. Perfect)
This guy does not have to be in a frat, but he usually is. There’s one word to describe this guy and that word is: EVERYWHERE. This guy is your big’s boyfriend, your sorority’s sweetheart, his fraternity’s president, the leader of every club on campus, and he's involved with philanthropies that his organization ISN’T affiliated with. You don’t think that you’ve ever heard anyone say anything mean about this guy, and his bros will do just about anything for him, but so would every girl on campus. He either has had a steady girlfriend all throughout college whom he will probably marry or he’s just too busy to date in college, making him all the more desirable in your eyes, of course. This is the closest thing you’ll ever meet to an honest-to-goodness saint. Get into any class you can with him because he’ll have perfect attendance, and let’s be real, you will probably start skipping the second week and you know you can get the notes from this big man on campus!
Famous example: Ryan Seacrest. He’s almost as involved as that guy you know.
4. The Mean Frat (aka Douchelord)
SOUND THE ALARMS. This dude is a far cry from The Nice Frat. He is every popular jerk in high school, only now there are no teachers who care if he makes fun of you. He is attractive, maybe wealthy, and definitely smart enough to be the worst. You’ll see him at the frat house ordering around pledges or trying to scheme on the barely legal (as in turned 18 yesterday) new members of every sorority. He may have been into you at one point, but he either gave you the willies and you called it off before anything got too serious, or you did get together and he broke your heart. If you try to call him out on any of his nefarious behavior, he’ll only have his barrage of brothers make things difficult for you. He probably has more than one MIP on his rap sheet, but that won’t stop him from serving the jungle juice at the next house party. He may seem datable at first, but watch how he treats his pledges, any nearby animals, and his ex-girlfriends. Do not be tempted by his handsomeness and his “you up?” text at 11:54 p.m. Don’t try to shut him down on your own, girl. Wait for his political career and subsequent sex scandal to do that for you.
Famous example: Chuck Bass (don’t you DARE try to tell me he’s hot; he’s an attempted rapist), James Spader’s character in "Pretty in Pink," the white guy in "Karate Kid," James Franco in real life and the entire "Entourage" cast.
5. The Meninist
Note: I’m not talking about someone who thinks men and women deserve equal rights, that’s actually called a feminist, and if meninists shut their stupid mouths for about five seconds, you’d understand that that’s all feminism is. Moving on! This guy is a human eye-roll. He probably has a vape pen in his hand, and when the professor asks him to stop vaping in class, he’ll loudly proclaim, “THERE’S NO TOBACCO IN THIS, SO I THINK YOU’VE BEEN TROLLED, M’LADY” and tip his stupid fedora and stroke his neck beard or handlebar mustache or any other heinous thing on his face. He may not necessarily be a self-proclaimed meninist, and you may not read that much into feminism, but whatever you have to say about your social, gender-based feelings, you better believe he’s going to interrupt with a “fact” he got from a YouTube video or Wikipedia page he edited. “UM, ACTUALLY WOMEN GET PERIODS, SO THEY SHOULDN’T BE PRESIDENT!” Thanks for that insight, Gargamel, how about you go complain on the internet about "World of Warcraft."
Famous example: You honestly don’t need one because college is CRAWLING with them and I am terrified.
6. The Disney Prince
He’s not quite the Nice Frat, but he’s definitely not a Mean Frat. Is he a meninist? What’s his major? Is he weird? Who IS this guy??? You don’t know! You only know OF this one. You met him once and his 100-watt smile knocked you right off your feet. He tried to talk to you, but his beautiful hair and kind voice made you feel like you were in middle school again. He may be your friend’s brother or a girl you know in passing may have dated him. Either way, you are almost scared to talk to him. This guy is the golden god of college, the quintessential man. If you see him in the dining hall or at a party, you have to be told to stop staring at him. If you’re blessed by God and he ends up in one of your classes, you will probably not do so well and fight every other girl in that class to be his partner on that group project. Since you only admire from afar, he can remain perfect. You’ll never know his faults, and plus side, he may think you’re great since he’ll never know your flaws. Probably the ideal relationship.
Famous example: Any Chad Michael Murray character, Brad Pitt (in the '90s), John Stamos, Superman, Aaron Samuels, you get my drift.
