Anthony Gill, Malcolm Brogdon, London Perrantes – we all know them. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of the devoted fans who hasn’t missed a game since you were old enough to understand what basketball was, or if you’re just vaguely aware of something called “March Madness;" the whole student body knows how straight-up awesome the Men’s Basketball team is here. I bet almost all of us are guilty of most of these ways that make them into gods, a status well-deserved for all the glory they bring to UVA.
1. We stare.
If one of them passes by, you can guarantee every head within a mile radius has turned and is looking as they walk to class or wait for a bus. When I saw Marial Shayok in O’Hill once, I stood by the silverware and watched in awe as he put together a plate at the salad bar. The only time I’ve ever stared at something that intensely was when UVA was down two points in the last seconds of the California game (which we won, God bless Perrantes).
2. We know everything about them.
We know their jersey numbers, hometowns, even which bar you’ll be most likely to find them at on a weekend. We all know Mike Tobey is the tallest one on the team (7’0”, to be exact) and that Malcolm Brogdon lives on the Range. Even our moms know that Jack Salt is from New Zealand and has the best accent ever.
3. We do anything to get their attention.
Oh hey, Evan, do you need to borrow my notes? And Darius, if you ever want to study together, I’m totally down. Don’t worry if you have practice, I can just watch from the sidelines and wait for you. I really wouldn’t mind.
4. We tell everyone we know if we see them.
If one of the players walks by, everyone immediately turns to their phones to send out a mass group text “I JUST BREATHED THE SAME AIR AS ISAIAH WILKINS” and a couple OMG face Snapchats. I’ve gotten breathless phone calls before from my friends telling me they just saw some of the team in dining halls or going to classes. We act like they’re a rare species with only a few recorded sightings.
5. We die a little on the inside if they acknowledge our existence.
If they hold the door open for you, or say “sorry” for bumping into you in a hallway, your heart stops and entire life goals have been achieved. The highlight of my entire semester was when I got on a first-name basis with Mamadi. Seriously, that was my peak.
The Men’s Basketball team is honestly more popular here than Thomas Jefferson himself. It’s completely socially acceptable to idolize them, and if you secretly have already planned your wedding with Malcolm Brogdon or fantasize about having a conversation with Devon Hall, don’t worry. You’re not the only one.
