A lot of people tell me I'm not that manly. So over the past few weeks I've been doing in-depth field research to discover what it takes to become a true alpha male. Below are my top tips to become the most macho man of all time.

1. Don't look at women.

Did you know that a woman's DNA is 50% from her father? That means if you look at some chick you think is hot then you think that 50% from her dad is hot too! What are you? Some kinda guy who likes dudes? That's totally not alpha bruh.

Instead, wear a bag over your head every time you go outside so no one thinks that you're checking out other dudes' DNA in a woman. Keep it safe, broseph.

2. Don't talk to other men.

What? Do you want to build an emotional connection with another man and have a friendly bond with them? LOL I bet that means you probably think there's something comfortable about feelings right? Totally not alpha. You need to bottle up your feelings and hide them deep down inside so they come out in repressed spouts of anger and rage. That's tight, brah.

3. Don't look at other men.

You don't want to risk someone thinking that you're gay, right? Don't even take the chance and just avoid social encounters altogether.

4. Don't look at yourself.

What if you thought you were hot? Dude, that's like, totally not manly or alpha. What if you looked at your own junk? What if you thought that you didn't identify as the sex you currently are? That's not masculine. That's not manly. Just do away with all of that and break every mirror in your house, get rid of anything with a camera and start wiping your own image from your mind. You're just pure alpha now.

5. Don't feel.

Emotions are like the least manly thing ever. Have you ever seen a movie from the 50s and the main guy is an emotionless rock? That's so alpha, bruh. Be like that to the point where nothing can pierce through your exterior, and you begin to feel like your existence is an empty void. That's manly.