My son is spirited.
If you don’t know what that means, it’s probably because you don’t have one yourself, so let me explain. My son requires much more energy than the average child. The way the internet defines it is “more”. He needs more attention, stimulation, and more explanation. He needs a lot of things, and some of them I just can’t give to him.
I wake up to a beautiful, round-faced cherub at 6:30am every morning. I make some coffee and he and I sit on the couch and watch Kung Fu Panda -- the first or the third, depending on my mood that day. The choices are overwhelming. When I finish my coffee and we’re finally awake, we make some breakfast and eat. And then everything from there on out is whining, crying, or tantrum-ing. By 9:00am I am exhausted and ready to call it quits for the rest of the day. It’s non-stop, from sun up to sun down.
Here are just a few reasons my son will throw an all-out screaming fit:
-I have to change his diaper
-I have to get him dressed
-If I don’t let him drink from my waterbottle, even though I gave him his own cup.
-I don’t put his movie on fast enough -- like within 2-3 minutes
-I sat down
-Transferring from literally any activity to the next (ex: watching a movie to eating a meal; going inside from a walk)
-For no reason
-because I’m breathing
I’m not talking about little crying fits that last a minute. I’m talking full blown tantrums with flailing arms and legs, and a deafening, ear-piercing scream. They last for up to 30 minutes sometimes. And by the time we finish one, you betcha it’s time to transition to the next thing and it starts all over again.
It’s not just at home, either. It’s out in public, too-at the mall, at the grocery store, at friend’s and family’s houses. I am constantly that mom who “can’t control her kid”.
But just as much as this kid exhausts me, he also motivates me. He inspires me.
He’s kind, and good-natured. He loves to smile and laugh and play. He’s persistent, and driven. He doesn’t forget anything. He has too much energy for one human being – he’s an energizer bunny. I know in the future he’ll use that energy towards something amazing. I also know most of his fits are from not being able to communicate better, which will go away. He is so many good things, so I patiently wait for the “bad” to pass.
In the mean time, though, I’ve incorporated a few things to try and help the amount and the intensity of the tantrums:
1. Talk before, during, and after a transition. I talk to him about transitioning from one activity to the next before we do it; this is to let him know a change is coming. I talk to him while we’re transitioning to explain what exactly we’re doing and why we’re doing it. After the transition, we talk again to see how well he took it.
2. Let him be the dictator. I let him make decisions whenever possible, whether it be what he wants to eat, what he wants to wear, or what he wants to play with. I also let him decide when he’s ready to make a decision. For example, my son has a favorite toy, but he’s not allowed to eat with him. I ask him nicely to please put him down and I do not give him food until he lets me put the toy down, or he does it himself. Sometimes this takes forever, and he gets mad because he sees his food waiting, but the more we do it, the easier it has been. He knows what to expect now, and he likes getting recognition for making “the right choice”.
3. Keep a routine, even if it means staying home. Having a spirited child means that there’s rarely ever a set routine. Things change drastically from one day to the next. That being said, I’m a flake. No, I’m not sorry. It’s exhausting to be home with him all day, let alone take him out, so I regularly decline invitations to go out, and I often cancel plans. If it means keeping him on a schedule for him to have a better day, that’s absolutely what’s going to come first.
4. Give hugs. Even when he’s flailing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I try to let him know that we are misunderstanding each other but that it’s okay and we’ll figure it out. It can be scary when the person you trust most doesn’t understand you and your feelings. A hug can help solve that problem.
5. Leave him be. Note: I did not say leave the room. You should never walk out on a child who is tantrum-ing; this can cause the child to feel a sense of abandonment. What I mean by leaving him be is that I let him have his fit. After I hug him, I tell him I will wait until he can bring his behavior under control. Then, I just let him flail and kick on the floor to his heart’s desire. By not reacting to his behavior, he quickly learns that that isn’t the way to get what he wants.
It can be tough to raise a spirited kid. It’s exhausting. It feels as if a good majority of the days are spent watching the clock, waiting for bedtime. Spirited kids are described as “more”, and sometimes, that’s just what we have to give them. Hopefully, implementing some of these tips to your own life can help make a drastic improvement in behavior and communication skills with your spirited sprout.
