Seven years ago this very month my husband and I made the decision to move forward from our infertility to adoption. We attended an orientation at a local agency and our lives were forever changed. We had embarked on our adoption journey, and boy has it been an interesting one so far. We walked into a room full of strangers and took our seat in a blue chair. We listened for eight hours about the "process" to become parents through adoption.

I was at a point of desperation to find a way to be a mother. Six years of marriage, 11 rounds of fertility, and a lifetime of being the second mom as the oldest child of six had me in a place that was beyond frantic to be a parent. I heard a lot of things in that meeting and now years later there are some key things that I wish I had clung onto a bit more in the beginning.

Here are five things I wish someone was able to impress upon me in those first stages of adoption.

1. Put your desperation aside and step into HER shoes.

So you sit there and hear how you are going to be asked to share your child with a complete stranger, your child's birth mother. You think "Are you effing crazy?! I don't know that person and I don't want to open my life up to a complete stranger. Hasn't this been tough enough?" I know we don't like to share that side of us, but the truth is, it is there. Your infertility has left you in a state of depression and fear and the last thing you want is your child to reject you and want their birth mom. Now put yourself in this woman's shoes. She is literally in her most desperate situation so far in life where she is choosing to give a piece of herself, arguably her most treasured piece, her heart to complete strangers. Not only that, she is having to trust that these strangers will love and cherish her child as much as she does and that they will do the things the say they are going to do. Adoption is wrought with a loss for all members of the triad and with relationship and connection as well.

2. Think about your child's future beyond infancy and into adulthood.

Your child will grow up some day to be an adult, that is a simple fact of life. Every decision you make throughout your child's life will have some impact on them. How you speak about their birth family, what you do to support them as they start to explore questions about their adoption, how you react to others who ask about adoption in front of your child. Think about what you will do now before those situations occur because they will happen, and sooner rather than later. We tend to think only about getting a baby so we can be parents when we start out in adoption. I urge you to think past that pain, and to the point of being a parent. The agreements you make in adoption will be important to your child. Respect their birth family and be faithful to the agreements that you make, whether that be sending letters and pictures, or the number of visits you agree to a year. Make it happen because in the end the only person your child will be upset with if you don't is you.

3. What is important to you through your child's life is just as important to her.

That annual correspondence that you are asked to send to the birth family? Yeah, it's like one of the most important things you can do. Guess what? The crappy discard photos, you know those super fuzzy ones that you should have deleted? Don't send those. The formal pictures that we all have taken of our kids year after year, make an extra copy, an 8x10 even. The moments that are important to you are just as important to her. Allow her to take part in that piece of your child's memories that you so cherish just as she shared her soul with you. Send an art project or something your child has made. Celebrate her, and the rest of your child's biological family. Sending blurry, unfocused photos demonstrate what you think of your child's birth family. Maintain that correspondence even if she is not receiving it because someday she might.

3. We take our biology for granted.

I don't have to wonder where my blue eyes and blonde hair came from. I know that I use hand mannerisms just like my mom. I know I am allergic to penicillin. Most of us do not wonder about these things because we know and have always known where our biological characteristics come from. Every adoptee at some level will wonder these things. As a parent if there is anything you can do for your child to have this connection. Do it. Do not allow your fear or uncomfortableness get in the way of something that your child should have basic access to, who they are in every biological sense.

4. Adoption community is everything.

Infertility can be and usually is very isolating. Adoption does not have to be that way. You probably already have a community of people surrounding you that you go to for things. As you venture into adoption community is a must. Connecting with other people going through the process who can sympathize with the wait and what you are learning is important. Finding people who are further along in the process is beneficial so they can give you tips. Most importantly bonding with other adoptive families will help you and your child in ways that others cannot understand. Couples who are adopting will learn and gain so much for their family as they spend time with others who are or have walked the path of adoption.

5. Race and Culture Matter, A Lot.

Families in the beginning stages of adoption often are open to any race or ethnicity and usually have the sentiment that they will love the child that is placed in their home no matter what. That statement is true, but a bit misguided. What does love really look like? In adoption, race and culture matter as much if not more than in a biological family. It is your job as a parent to support your child's well being which includes their race and culture. You have to be willing to examine your current community and decide whether it would be appropriate to bring a child of a different race into that, if not are you willing to change your community so that it will be. As I said before, your child will grow into an adult and their culture will matter.

Adoption is a journey, one that is difficult at times for all involved, but also one that can be rewarding when done right.