Procrastination is an art form that every student, pencil pusher and politician know far too well. When it comes to desperately seeking out a petty task to distract us from our same-day deadline, we always find our phone glowing conveniently right next to us. Before logging onto Netflix or completely giving up to take a nap, we pull out our phones. Literally everything must be checked and refreshed. We don’t want to miss any juicy info before getting any real work done, right? The “phone-scroll” always comes first on our list of to-do-instead-of-what-I-really-need-to-do list. In fact, it’s exactly what you’re doing right now. So keep erratically wasting -- I mean, strategically spending -- your time by scrolling right on down through this list, because I firmly believe the best way to realize and recognize an issue is to have someone spell it out. I'm here to get you back on track, and you never know, this satire could be just the break you need before tackling that stack of paper at the edge of your desk.
Step One: The Aimless App-Check
Social media. It’s constant notifications and messages always prove the biggest diversion when we need to get some work done. However, they’re always the first place we go as we try to ignore our responsibilities while laying upside down on the couch. But if you’re feeling guilty about creeping on your best friends Instagram pictures from October 5, 2013, here are some things to keep in mind: during the painful hours of procrastination, you can never open Instagram too many times during the course of 45 seconds. Twitter is ever updating, so trust me when I tell you that it’s actually insane not to double click your home button and swipe out of the app, only to reopen it immediately afterwards. Just because you’ve watched Cindy’s Snapchat story eight times this afternoon, does not disqualify the possibility that you might have missed something between her 10-second bathroom selfie and that clip of her sleeping dog. Side note: don’t forget to refresh Tumblr once you finish with this list.
Step Two: The Snapchat Treasure Trove
Speaking of Snapchat, I believe that little ghost deserves its very own step. Because let’s face it, when dawdling through our day, Snapchat proves to be the most interactive social media app we own. From animal filters to article findings, there’s just so much time to be “spent!" There’s no telling what useful information you might find under People’s “Is Kylie Heading to Court Because of Tyga?” article. I mean, that’s precious journalism right there. By the way, Snapchat, when exactly do you plan on bringing that rainbow filter back?
Step Three: The Photo Album Emergency
After finally running out of social media apps to open and close and then reopen again, suddenly our camera roll becomes appealing. Scroll, scroll, scroll until you stumble across an ancient selfie which then somehow leads you back to Instagram. It would be a sin not to post that gem. And meme screenshots? Good grief, you have hundreds of those, and reading through all of them right this very minute is vital to the success of your day. Just make a deal with yourself, at 12:35 you will open your textbook. You will put your phone away and you will get some work done, by golly!
Step Four: The YouTube Blunder
We wait a while before reluctantly turning to this step because we all know once you watch one Jimmy Fallon clip you have to watch all the Jimmy Fallon clips. Alas, you glance up from your phone towards that file-pile at your desk, sigh in discouragement only to give in to Jimmy’s Lip Sync Battles. That’s OK, however, because two hours later somehow you’re watching that doctor from California pop the zits right off of her patients. How did you even get here?
Step Five: The Final Straw
Giggling to yourself over some cat video, your eyes somehow shoot to the top of your phone to get a glimpse of the time. Cue the heart-sink. “Great,” you think. “It’s dinner time and I’ve gotten absolutely nothing done.” Don’t worry, this step does consist of you finally throwing your phone across the room in a desperate attempt to limit all distractions. Unfortunately, just because one distraction slams across the wall on the other side of the room doesn’t mean there aren’t more within arms reach. Grab that remote, kid. Just give in and give up. Because, like you said, the day’s pretty much over. If you started a good study groove now the day would end before you can get any descent work done! You’ll just have to try again tomorrow.
Do you feel better now? The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and we all have the “phone scroll” dilemma when important deadlines lurk ominously around the very sharp corner (I mean, I have a paper due by midnight and instead I'm here with you). Hide your phone, hide your laptop and hide your remote because Cindy’s Snapchat story won't save you from your I-really-need-to-do list.
