Every high school musician has a different strategy for coping with audition results day. The people who started violin at the age of 3 waltz in simply as a formality, knowing that their name will be at the top of the list as it always has been, as it always will be until the Sun explodes into a red gas giant. Others are pleasantly surprised, and these sweet innocent souls rush home and scribble into their diaries in pink glitter pen about how grateful and lucky they are. Others yet, while disappointed, reflect carefully on their failures and vow to make the most with what they have. These five steps are not for those people. These five steps are for you, you beautiful petty disaster. You want to watch the world burn. After all, nothing says rage like property damage.
1. Clear the area with massive amounts of self-pity
Be entirely intolerable in your misery so you can burn your music without risking collateral damage. Drive away the successful people in your life. Because you’re only going to make your friends who did manage to gain a seat in the elite orchestra feel guilty for not being a failure, and you’re not that terrible of a person. Yet. While you’re at it, drive away all of the people in your life. They’re going to try to make you feel better about yourself with the intention of convincing you not to light a fire in your backyard. You don’t need those people. Welcome darkness as your only friend. Schedule an hour nightly to stare into the void. When the void stares back, you know you’re ready.
2. Create kindling by blaming others
You didn’t have time to practice because it was AP test week. You missed your cello lesson because you had too much homework. Your private teacher wouldn’t help you anyway. He thought the music was too easy to be worth practicing and you just listened to him, that’s all. Your counselor made you skip orchestra this year because of scheduling conflicts. You haven’t even played for eight months. The warm up room was really cold, and your fingers froze. You ate one too many burritos last night, had an awful stomachache, and only slept for four hours. Blame the College Board, your private teacher, your regular teachers, your counselor, your school, your orchestra director, all the other people auditioning, and Taco Bell.
3. Briefly consider that maybe you failed because of your own faults and no one else’s
Discard that thought. The match is already lit in your hand. You’re in too far to get out now.
4. Stoke the fire with years of insecurities
Now that your fire is burning, begin considering all of your past orchestra failures. Remember that time you didn’t make it into the youth symphony when you were 10? Of course you do. How about that time when some random kid transferred to your school and dethroned you? No need to limit yourself to traumatic orchestra memories, either. Toss in tests that you failed, old report cards, break-up letters and participation ribbons from the time you tried tennis and sucked. Throw in pictures of all the people who are prettier and smarter and nicer and better than you. Feel terrible at the dawning realization that you’ve never done anything right. Might as well add your self-respect to the pile, too. Why were you expecting anything different for this audition?
5. Extinguish the flames with your own salty tears
Cry. Cry a lot because you can’t help but admit that you really, really cared. Cry because you knew that you could do better, should have done better, didn’t do better. Cry because you feel like you’ve wasted nine years of your life taking private lessons, watching yourself grow, only for someone to dismiss you ten minutes. Realize that it’s okay to cry. Don't apologize for your feelings, because you have just as much of a right to be sad as those damn successful people have the right to be happy.
But when the fire finally goes out, all you have left is a pile of damp ashes. And whether you decide to quit school orchestra forever and take Art History instead or promise to practice harder for next time, there’s no turning back to this audition. Forgive yourself, forgive all those people you probably shouldn’t have blamed in the first place, and move on.
Just kidding. Proceed to light all your enemies on fire.
