The five stages of...my singleness?

I know, I know...another blog about the five stages? Well before you scroll past this, you should know that I intend to make this topic humorous and insightful. And if you’re nosy, you’ll get to know some of the inner workings of Emma...now that I've got you hooked, you might as well keep reading!

Here we are...December 2016. I now have been boyfriendless (Facebook relationship status: single) for six and a half years. And let me tell you. It has been one heck of a roller coaster! I'm going to go through my journey in correlation to the five stages of grief — err, singleness.

It was May 2010. I was freshly 19 and had just dumped my now ex. The break up sucked. Luckily, I had a summer job with a fantastic group of coworkers to distract me the whole summer. By the time I got back to college in the fall, I hadn't quite entered the "stages" system yet...then I found out my ex got himself a girlfriend.

Stage 1: Denial.

We all know that whoever moves on first "wins" the secret battle of the exes. This was the start of my denial. No way. No way could he have moved on before me! I had so moved on first! There it was. Denial. I couldn't believe that there was a chance that I had lost the battle.

Time went on and I got over it. Back to my singleness.

Then college started to fly by. I had gone on a whopping zero dates. Oh, and I was a senior. People had always told me "college is such a good place to meet your future husband! There's such a great pool of guys!" No offense to the guys at AC, (I'm very sure that a lot of you were/are great guys!!), but for those three years, I was single — um, well, remember my dating stats? Yeah. My time was winding down. Here's when I moved on...to the next stage.

Stage 2: Anger.

Heck yeah, I was angry! Had I wasted those three years? Should I have gone to more parties? Should I have spent more time at fraternity houses and sporting events? I was ticked. At myself. At college. At men. But I hid it well! Publicly, I had a blast my senior year, but behind closed doors, you bet I was angry. I didn't even have any prospective guys in sight. In my mind, there were zero eligible men on campus. (That obviously was a lie, like I said, I'm sure many of you men were/are wonderful humans). Before I knew it, graduation was right around the corner.

That's where the next stage set in.

Stage 3: Bargaining.

My nightly prayers normally had a sentence like "Ok, God, you can either let me sit next to an awesome guy at graduation that will instantly fall in love with me or give me a job at a place swimming with twenty-something bachelors at it" in them. I thought it was a good bargain...I won in both situations! I have no doubt that God laughed at those...you're welcome, God. Glad I could bring some comedy into someone's life.

Graduation came and I sat next to a nice gentleman named Greg. I had never talked to him before and I have yet to talk to him again. There went that chance....no hard feelings, Greg.

A few months after graduation, I got a job! (Hallelujah! Just in time for my student loan payments to start. Woo.) As I got introduced to people around the office and throughout the district, I realized that a majority of them were women and the few men were middle-aged and married. Cool. We got a new hire who I had heard was around my age — I thought God had taken my bargain/plea but it turned out, he was a guy I went to high school with who was happily engaged. Cool. Moving on. Yup — next stage.

Stage 4: Depression.

Now I don't like calling this stage "depression" because I know that's a real issue that people have and I was definitely not at that point. So from here on out, I'll call this stage...The Downward Spiral Where I Got Pretty Sad and Hopeless But I Hid It Really Well Stage — or Stage 4 for short.

So Stage 4 had lasted me for almost half of my 6.5 years. (That's about three years if you didn't want to do the math). It set in especially deep in times when four couples got engaged in one week. Or when many of the kids in my youth group started relationships. Or when I went to weddings of people my age or younger. Or when wine was my date at said weddings. Or when said newly wed people started having children. Or around holidays that are better with a significant other (you know, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Summer, Fridays...you get the drift).

Lots of prayers started and ended in tears. Lots of begging God to send me someone. Lots of first dates, minimal second dates. Lots of ghosting — yup, I was "that girl." Yikes. Lots of dating sites. Yep. Pretty much all of them. (Those sites are so expensive, and on my parttime job salary, not so justifiable!)

And yet, still nothing to get excited about. I would stay on my couch when my roommate went out. I cried during lots of movies and the occasional song...OK, lots of songs. Anything that reminded me of my relationship status made me sad.

People's concerns were nice...and yet so horrible at the same time. "Do you have yourself a man yet?" "Why aren't you dating anyone yet?" "You're gonna make such a great wife!" "You're gonna find a great guy someday!" "If I were younger and single, I'd date you!"

While those quotes seem encouraging or even funny — I hated all of them. They made me so sad because nothing was working and no one knew I was actively trying. No one fit the model in my head, no one was up to my high standards, and no one wanted me. (Don't feel sorry for me, spoiler alert, I've reached Stage 5, I'm fine). I forced myself to laugh the comments off. In the beginning of the Downward Spiral...Stage, the comments weren't bad and I found most of them actually semi-funny. But towards the end? Each one stung and became harder to laugh off, to ignore and dug in a little deeper. I don't blame the people that said these things — I love each and every one of you for believing so highly in me and trying to encourage me. You all actually rock.

But wow. That Stage 4 sucked. And what was even worse was that there were very few people who knew how I actually felt about all of this, about all the dating sites, about all the failed first dates. And to be honest...I was experiencing all of this stage up until probably last week. God has heard way too many prayers on this topic and has wiped way too many tears about it too. Then I decided that it's probably time for the last stage.

Stage 5: Acceptance.

Okay. So it's a little less "Acceptance" and a little more "Appreciation."

In my ripe old age of 25, I've realized that crying over my nonexistent boyfriend is a little juvenile. And being sad over my singleness is getting me absolutely nowhere! Not that I'm all of a sudden happy about being single or ready to "get [myself] to a nunnery," but I'm beginning to be OK and appreciate where I am in my life. I know that I'm not meant to be single forever, just single for now.

When I was little (well actually in high school, too — I guess I can't call that "little"), I always had my life planned out. I was going to have a boyfriend in high school (check!) then get engaged in college (here's where I started to stray...), marry my high school sweetheart in college or right after college and a few years later, start our family. We all see how far I got with that. But the thing was... that was my "five-year plan." (I realize it would have probably taken more than five years but it just sounds better than my five to ten year plan so let's just go with it.) My plan was based on other people's relationships...OK, pretty much just Leeann's...but hers turned out so good I thought it had to be fool-proof! So this plan, my plan, obviously wasn't the plan for me. Sounds silly, right? Well, being the strong Christian that I am, I should have realized that when the only part of the plan that included God was in the "qualities of my future spouse" section, something wasn't going to work. God is totally looking out for me, but I was so stuck on my plan that I couldn't see his plan! I have begun to see His plan for me — it's not completely clear, but I'm seeing things that have happened in recent years that wouldn't have happened if I had followed my plan.

They include but are not limited to:

• Moving out on my own and getting close with my first ever roomie, Tayleen.
• Being able to spend so many summer nights with her and Ryan — some of the best nights of my life!
• Being able to go on vacations and focus on my adorable nephew without having to worry about contacting a boyfriend at home.
• Taking notes from others' failed and successful relationships.
• Bringing Gabby into my home as my second roommate.
• Hopefully moving with Gabby into a house with Melissa.
• All the girl's nights that have happened or have yet to happen in my home.
• Being able to drop everything when my Aunt Tammy had surgery and not having to cancel any plans (because real talk: I rarely have any).
• Spending my Friday nights with my awesome and supportive praise band.

I know there are negative sides to some of these points. Some aspects of some points that would be better if I had a boyfriend... but I'm not focusing on that anymore! I'm "celebrating my singleness!" At least, that's what all these articles I read tell me to do. I don't quite know how to do that yet, but I'm learning. I'm sure it's a slow process. (yes I know, I should've gotten the hang of it these past umpteen years...cut me some slack! I had 4 other stages to get through!!)

I'm sure not every day will be full of single appreciation and that I'll have days where I slide back into the incredibly long titled Stage 4, but I know with God, I'm gonna make it.

I AM gonna meet a great guy. I AM going to have a family of my own someday. I WILL get to use my 300 wedding ideas pinned on my Pinterest for my dream wedding. And I will, one day, no longer be single.

But for now, I wait. I pray and I wait. Now, I don't expect my future love to come and hunt me down while I'm sitting on my couch or anything, but I'm taking baby steps. I'm no longer on 18,000 dating sites, I'm saying yes to more social gatherings, I'm actually trying to meet people and make friends.

I know my prince will come someday. Maybe I've already met him, maybe we're already Facebook friends, maybe he's a stranger I've seen around, or maybe he's someone totally new! The fun part is, he could be anywhere and anything could be forming our love story right now. Maybe he'll read this novel that I wrote at 2 a.m. and realize that I'm talking about him. Wherever he is, whenever I meet him, I'm excited about our future together.

I've now changed my prayers from "God, just bring me my husband already!" to "God, please prepare my heart and my future husband's heart for when we are together." I've handed my relationship status over to God and, while I know it'll be hard, I'm so happy about it.

I'm excited to meet my husband and do life with him, but for now, I'm gonna do life with me and my friends and keep my eye out for the one who will have my gaze for the rest of my life.