As a person born with Larsen syndrome and having had a tracheostomy, many people I meet deal with the question of how to treat me. I have a hole in my neck, my elbows look funny and I eat through a tube. What’s not to wonder? Humans are naturally curious about new things. Throughout my life, I’ve encountered various questions and attitudes. Here are 5 do’s and don’ts when dealing with a handicapped person.
1. DO ask questions.
Handicapped people are used to questions. That’s just how humans work. As long as you’re polite, there’s nothing wrong with being curious. There’s no such thing as a stupid question — though if it actually is dumb enough I’ll go and laugh about it later with my girlfriend. (No, I don’t have taste buds in my stomach. I can’t taste the food going in the tube.) But seriously. Unless you’re a random stranger, most handicapped people are happy to answer any questions. It encourages a freer and more comfortable relationship.
2. DON'T pity.
Pain comes from two places. The first is from a negative change in the status quo. Somebody with a lifelong disorder is not experiencing change, and is going through a lot less disability-caused pain than you probably think. Humans are able to adapt remarkably well. People with disability are comfortable in who they are for the most part. The second is actual signals from nerves saying “ouch.” Chronic pain is a hard reality for some people, but even so, it can become status quo. Saying “I feel so bad for them” is simply condescending and rude. However, encouragement and prayer during a time of negative change is encouraged. If I’m going into surgery, I’d appreciate your support. Otherwise, treat them like you would anybody else. Don’t elevate yourself. Empathize, but don’t pity.
3. DON'T assume we're insane.
Perhaps the hardest part of having a physical disability is when others assume you’re not all mentally there. If you refuse to make eye contact with me and tell my mom or my girlfriend to tie my shoe, I will hate you for the next two hours, feel bad for hating you and then try and forget you exist. Even if you reprimand somebody for skipping me in Uno, I’ll interpret it as you don’t think I’m mentally strong enough to enjoy competitive gameplay and be frustrated at you for hours upon hours. DO NOT condescend simply because somebody else’s body doesn’t work as well as yours. While it is true that physical handicaps take a toll on social skills, it is not your job to accommodate or “stoop to their level.” Because of the separating nature of a handicap, social skills don’t have the room to develop like they would for a fit person. If somebody with a disability doesn’t quite catch every social cue, they’re probably desperately trying to avoid being written off as insane. This is not your invitation to try and be extra nice to them. Joke around and make fun of them like you would any of your other friends. If they’re anything like me, that’s all they really want.
4. DON'T trivialize.
There is such a thing as going too far in the opposite direction, and I have to admit I’m guilty of it. One example would be the comic "Daredevil." The comic feels like a desperate attempt as to write off blindness as trivial and to hype up a blind person’s ability to function like everyone else. In reality, blind people are far more dependent than the superhero Daredevil, and face many difficulties. While Foggy’s (Daredevil's best friend) carefree and competitive attitude with Matt is a good model of what it looks like to treat somebody with a disability well, pretending like blind people don’t have struggles is a bit problematic. Even in "Avatar: The Last Airbender," it’s sad that for the other characters to treat Toph, the blind earthbender, like they would anybody else — Toph’s disability had to be all but removed by her earthbending. Personally, this past semester I worked on a script where a deaf boy is an unreasonably good lip reader. Taking a sign language class opened my eyes to all the ways in which I had trivialized deaf hardships. Don’t ignore the fact that the other person has real day to day struggles. Simply be willing to help them if they want your help, and treat them normally even if they do have a harder time with certain tasks than you do.
5. DO pray appropriately.
If you’re a Christian and want to pray for somebody with a handicap, there's a couple of helpful guidelines. First off, build a relationship. Spontaneous stranger prayer is something most people dread. Don’t be that person. Second, remember that pain is negative change. I’ve had a life-long disability — I’m comfortable with who I am. Prayer is most appreciated when it’s prayer for negative change or real physical pain. If somebody’s dealing with daily pain, prayer is more welcome than if somebody is simply in a wheelchair without pain. However, if you feel called to pray, be intentional in how you do it. Ask first. Some people may not want prayer at all. Ask what to pray for. They might say their right knee, or they might say their upcoming calculus test. Be careful that you don’t turn something good like prayer into an ugly condescension. If you’re that sweet old lady that prays for the child in a wheelchair at your church every day, that’s wonderful. Just understand they might not be as grateful for it it if you told them. However, whoever you are, please DO pray. It’s arguably the best way to love and to help people.
So there you have it! Handicapped people are a lot less different than the rest of you than you might think. So laugh at us, joke with us, and be our friend. The goal is to make them forget they even have a handicap by the way you treat them. I’m blessed to have so many people like that in my life. Hopefully this helps you be that kind of person, too!
