Gather fellow gentlemen of the ivory and heed my words! We are finished with those guitar players receiving all the adoration and fawning from the female species! Down with their reign! Will you join me, brothers? Anyone...?

Nope! It's useless and we all know it. Any skilled pianist will tell you, there's just no way to impress the ladies with your instrument. While I am by no means a concert pianist, I confess some skill in this regard and can personally attest to its effects. Let me detail this dilemma for you:

1. We can't carry our instrument with us

Don't tell me you've never seen a man in a tuxedo with a grand piano on his back? Or a fella in a turtleneck plugging his keyboard into the burning log in a campground? Even air pianos have been scientifically proven to be 76% more difficult to play than air guitars.

2. Pianos are often in isolated locations

Not getting around this one. If there's an open piano, it's almost always bound to be behind closed doors in a practice room, in an oft-used area (only during a period where no one is around) or on top of the Great Wall of China.

3. Open pianos are instantly seized upon by any and every one present

If you're a pianist, you know exactly what I'm talking about! If you're not, imagine there's only one slice of Chicago deep dish available to seven people. Simply imagine the carnage.

4. Anyone can play a piano

Honestly, it's true. Anyone can play a piano by hitting three random notes in a row and many (yuck!) guitar players can play one pop song on the piano just well enough to impress the uneducated, in this case, beautiful gals.

This means that there's no quick way to distinguish us true maestros from the actually cool kids. You see, we could play a marvelous concerto or improvise a heart-breaking melody, but neither gets others' attention like literally any of the worthless pop songs we couldn't care less about.

5. A whole lot of pianists are girls anyway

How are we going to impress women when they can play better than us? Likewise, like the gentlemen we are, we're not going to forcefully remove a female pianist from her instrument, meaning that anytime the piano is open (see above) the girl automatically gets it. So we're left to rely solely on our own charm...a most dangerous place to be, I assure you!