"Hocus Pocus" is literally my favorite movie ever.
I love Halloween, but not for the gory, scary part (I'm a wimp and feel dizzy at just the word "blood") and definitely not the party hard, dress like a slut, get drunk part (I prefer apple cider to fireball). I love Halloween for the nostalgia - I love remembering my childhood Halloween costumes and looking at what children are into now, I love eating the candy I craved as a kid, and most of all, I love Disney Halloween movies.
I always loved Hocus Pocus most for a few reasons. First of all, as a kid, I felt scandalous watching it because they use words like "virgin" and "hell." I mean, it's practically PG-13. I loved Binx the cat, especially since my parents hate cats and never let us get one. I also loved how ridiculous, hilarious, and absolutely dumb the three Sanderson sisters, or the three witches in the film, are.
A few nights ago, I indulged my inner child by watching "Hocus Pocus", and it hit me: I grew up to be just like one of those ridiculous, silly, stupid witches. I grew up to be Mary Sanderson.
Mary is the middle sister - the one with dark hair. As I watched, I realized with complete horror that this witch, this eater of children, this lady I made fun of as a child, has several similarities to 21-year-old me.
1. She is obsessed with television.
While in some weird guy's house on Halloween, the Sanderson sisters experience TV for the first time. The other two sisters don't really care about it, but Mary is fascinated. She flips through the channels staring at that TV like a kid in a candy store... Or me when new episodes of "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" appear on Netflix. She doesn't want to get up and leave the house all because she's glued to the TV, nevermind the fact that if the sisters don't hurry, they'll turn to dust and DIE. But the TV is more important than that. My dorm could be on fire, but if I'm on my third episode of "Gilmore Girls", I probably wouldn't even notice. I'm like Mary the way I love TV, and it's slightly embarrassing. But only slightly.
2. She doesn't know how to use a vacuum or a frying pan.
Mary mistakenly uses a vacuum as a broomstick to ride on. I am terrible with a vacuum. In fact, I am terrible with all household appliances and cleaning tools; check out my disgustingly messy dorm room. She also uses a frying pan as a weapon. I do not know how to use a frying pan. I do not know how to turn on an oven. Basically, in home situations, I am useless, just like Mary.
3. She can smell children from a mile away.
Mary's special power is that she can smell children - it's like her sixth sense. I too can sense children from far away - but not ordinary children, and not smell. I can sense when there are teenagers nearby, especially teenage hoodlum boys. Teenagers terrify me. I am an old soul, and they use words like "thot" and do "the dab" and honestly, I feel like I am on an alien planet, and I start to get dizzy. I can sense when teens are close and I avoid them at all costs.
4. She really doesn't know how to smile and isn't photogenic.
Mary's smile is all crooked and weird, like she doesn't know what she's doing. This is me anytime I go to take a picture. I have no clue what I'm doing. How big should I smile? Teeth or no teeth? Should my muscles really hurt this much? Mary and I are both pretty clueless on how to make ourselves look friendly and approachable.
5. She's the awkward one of the group.
The three sisters jump on stage to do a performance. The redhead is the singer, the blonde is the pretty, seductive dancer, and Mary is... Mary. She really has no clue what's she's doing on stage. She can't dance, she can't sing, she really doesn't have it all going on the way the other two do. So she just kinda awkwardly moves around next to her sisters. This is me whenever I'm out with my friends. They talk to boys, dance perfectly, just basically act like normal social people...while I kind of flub around next to them like a 12-year-old tag along sister who really doesn't belong. It's fine, though, because like Mary, I rock my awkwardness with pride.
So, there you have it, folks! As a child, I laughed and poked fun at silly Mary Sanderson, the awkward middle child Sanderson sister. Little did I know, I'd grow up to be her. But it's okay, because really, who wouldn't want to be such a funny, adorable witch?
