1. "I'm going to stop eating unhealthy food."

That sounds like such a great and wonderful idea until you realize that life is way too short for it to be spent eating leaves. On the bright side, though, you get a new set of 52 weeks to tell yourself “I swear I’m going to start on Monday.”

2. "I'm going to get so fit."

The new year. This is your year. You are going to actually do it... not. You got your new workout attire and a gym membership to go with it... gross. You’ve just got to love the beginning of the year when everyone and their mother decides to make a trip to the gym.... ugh. So here is to that solid first month that is going to remind you why you stayed away from that place for the last eleven.

3. "I'm going to stop spending all of my money on stupid things."

This time around you are going to be cost efficient and spend those paychecks on things you actually want. New year, new you. There is no way that this new you would ever spend $30 on a key chain that looks like a puff ball or approximately $2,894,752,938 on your food extravaganzas.

4. “I’m going to go to class every single day and have killer grades.”

Since you have now decided to save your money… that means you probably need to spend all of your time in the library to avoid all places that could tempt you to swipe your debit card. Perfect. That means you will have SO much more time to study!!! Look at you being all studious!! (I’ll give you until the end of syllabus week tops until this one wears off)

5. "I'm going to start being more social."

On the other end of that spectrum, you should probably crawl out of your hermit hole every once and a while, so this time around you aren’t going to spend all your time having Netflix and chill dates with…. well yourself….