Everyone loves the first day of warm weather. Birds are singing, shorts become optional, the wind no longer freezes you but rather cools you off. Laughs and outdoor games spring up by the dozens as the smell of barbecues wafts through the open window. Is the dawn of warmth this year all smiles and happiness? No, it’s not. In this article, I will cover some of the most mildly irritating things about it being nice outdoors.
The Bugs
Plug me sideways I detest bugs. Although I don’t generally wouldn’t put the worst first, this is something that resonates with everyone everywhere. The little pests just brood and brood and exist virtually everywhere. The female mosquito lives approximately 50 days, and in order to lay her eggs requires protein from animals’ blood. That means that in order to make a lot more mosquitoes, she’ll need to steal your life syrup with her disgusting proboscis. Bugs turn many pleasant summer experiences into ‘I didn’t know it was physically possible for my arm to itch this much.’ No, thank you.
Swamp
Your butt has become Shrek’s home during calculus lecture, and you’re considering conducting your bio experiment between your cheeks instead of at the local beaver pond. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all created our very own swimmable English Channel. Having swamp butt is an inevitable part of summer feelings, and will plague you until fall comes around. Every day spent in the sun will become a day worrying if you’ve saturated your shorts’ posterior with caboose juice.
Boat Shoes
They seem to always come with some sort of anecdote about the time Uncle Larry took him out on the pontoon boat. Oh, these are the same shoes Cousin Nick spilled cocktail sauce on in Maine last summer?! I had absolutely NO idea. When someone calls attention to the quality of their Sperrys or demonstrates how far they will go to avoid the slightest marring of their suede and rubber gems, I invariably endure a lukewarm wave of frustration. Boat shoes themselves aren’t too bad, but when coupled with ocean tales and salmon-color nautical-themed Vineyard Vines they spell moderate annoyance.
Indoor Sunglasses
“Bro can you even see right now?” Brodie, the Kobe beef has entered the dimly-lit building. He catches his foot on the leg of the table but plays it off like a real OG. It has now been made perfectly clear to everyone that Brodie’s only use for tinted lenses is to achieve a beach aesthetic and effectively blind himself indoors. Mad props to you Brodie, for trying to walk a mile in the blinds’ shoes. As the great Larry David once said, “you know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.” Take off your darn shades in the absence of sun, you fruitcake.
Bikes
I love bikes and all things bike-related, but there are always those enthusiasts who take it way too far. And you know who I am talking about - the spandex-clad, aerodynamic helmet-wearing biker men in their 40s who don’t pass on the smallest mention of their pastime to tell you all about their new cable actuated, carbon frame, 47-something-speed bike. It was inexpensive too! It only cost them around their entire life savings. Witnessing their passion is great, but I’ll tell you what isn’t great, and that’s the classic case of biker male appendage. These guys are holding in their packages so tight that they’re getting more ball definition than Brad Pitt’s jawline. I’ve felt the urge to take a long bike ride, but never once felt the urge to asphyxiate my bushwhacker. Please bikers, don’t just think about minimal wind resistance, think about my eyes being forced to confront your caged elephant.
Good weather carries with it a plethora of mild horrors, with which we are all too familiar. By the time the summer rolls around we all seem to have forgotten about the unpleasantries sunshine brings about. I believe the warm weather is worth a swamp butt or the occasional biker . Now get outside and enjoy those plentiful rays of sun you’ve waited so long for!
