On Wednesday October 19th at around 2:30 pm the following notice was emailed to all Columbia College Students:
An anonymous intoxicated caller made a bomb threat to the registrars office at Columbia College. Security and police are clearing the 5th through the 7th floors of the 600 South Michigan Avenue to complete a canine search. Please remain clear of the 5th through 7th floor until all clear message is given. We are conducting a search as precaution.
The alarms sounded in the 618 S. Michigan building, and we were told to evacuate the building for safety as well.
Luckily, the police found nothing and the building was safe for re-entry about 45 minutes later. But the whole situation seemed pretty fishy. Who would phone in a threat like that? Why were they drunk? Why did they choose those two floors specifically in the 600 building? And what was their goal in pulling off a stunt like this?
Here are my top 4 theories on where the threat came from.
1. My roommate
This is a tough one to swallow because if this prediction turns out to be true, he could get in some serious trouble. Prior to Wednesday I had been complaining to him about an upcoming midterm in one of my classes. I told him I was having a tough time in the class and was woefully underprepared for the quiz.
Considering my roommate and I are dem boyz, it’s not above him to pull a stunt like this. It's rule 98-H of the bro code: A bro in need must get help indeed. I just hope he displayed better judgement and didn't succumb to the rule in this case.
2. DePaul/SAIC
The crux of this theory comes down to one basic idea: artists are competitive af. I’ve seen it in sports and I’ve seen it in the creative field. People will do ANYTHING to get an edge on the opposition.
DePaul, SAIC and Columbia College are all fishing in the same pond. We're competing for jobs, recognition and positioning in the marketplace. We don’t compare ourselves to USC or NYU. They're insignificant in terms of immediate competition. DePaul and SAIC are right in our backyard.
Can I envision Johnny boy at DePaul calling in a bomb threat to get a leg up on us? Absolutely. Even it is just for 30 minutes. If you’ve ever heard Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, you know that inches matter! It’s the difference between winning and losing. Between living and dying! From that perspective 30 minutes is a lifetime. Hell I’ve known people who applied for college, got someone pregnant and taught their cousin to read in 30 minutes. Every second is crucial when you’re jocking for the top spot.
3. The Laptop Thieves
The Office Of Campus Security at Columbia has been sending out emails warning us about criminals who have been snatching up Macbook laptops in the 623 S. Wabash and 33. E Congress buildings.
The craziest part is they’ve been doing this successfully in common areas. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Maybe they wanted to expand their business and phoned in the threat so they could snatch up dozens of laptops in the abandoned buildings. As for the “intoxicated caller” aspect, they probably just pretended so they could use it as a crutch in case the call got traced back to them.
“I'm so sorry officer. I was hammered and someone dared me. They said it could be a social experiment!”
"Don't worry about it son. Science often pushes the boundaries of right and wrong."
4. Epic Burger
If you’ve ever walked into Epic Burger on State St. from 2:30pm-3:15pm you know that it’s A DAMN GHOST TOWN. For that window of time, attendance is atrocious. Their food and customer service is of excellent quality, so it's not a knock on them. It's just a period when people on lunch break get back to the office and students have class.
Those 45 minutes are an unfortunate blemish on an otherwise incredible establishment. Maybe they wanted to get some traffic around the block and called in the threat knowing students would be released into the streets.
This brings me to my final and most complete theory.
Shortly after I got home that Wednesday night and was going through all the possible suspects in my head, something felt off.
I could conjure up an explanation on why lots of places would want to rattle our cage. The problem was if everyone had probable cause then NO ONE had probable cause. If everyone was a potential suspect then I had zero leads. I was back to square one. I had to think outside the box. There was something I wasn’t seeing.
So after three hours of meditation in the dark, I finally found it. My problem wasn’t that I was looking in the wrong places. I was looking at the wrong side of the situation. I was so caught up in probability and track records, that I ignored the other end of the spectrum. Who was the person LEAST LIKELY to pull a stunt like this? The answer was the one and only…
5.
The newly appointed president and CEO of Columbia College Chicago. Kwang Wu’s induction into Columbia College’s student body has been fairly seamless. He’s gotten a decent amount of publicity and has secured a notable presence in my loopmail account with his periodic updates.
BUT he hasn’t made a splash yet. That signature moment as a president which lets everyone on the block know-this guy is for real. I’ve seen Kwang Wu walk down Wabash and go fairly unnoticed by passing students. I mean come on! That’s got to be a hit to the ego. He’s the president for Christ’s sake. The head honcho. Captain of the ship. Could you imagine if Barack Obama walked down Capitol Hill and no one batted an eye? Blasphemy.
Maybe Kwang Wu made the call himself or maybe it was one of his henchmen. The point is whenever a school gets wind of a bomb threat, that’s typically not a good look for the institution. But if you take a closer look this could be the beginning of Kwang Wu’s splash. This orchestrated bomb threat may just be the tip of the iceberg. First it’s a bomb threat then it’s a “fire” he puts out in one of the buildings. Then it’s a student he "saves" from oncoming traffic on Michigan Ave.
The more crises that get handled with perfection under Kwang Wu’s reign, the more recognition and praise he earns. Just look up President Bush’s approval ratings after 9/11. Maybe it was an inside job. Maybe it wasn’t, but the results from the aftermath are indisputable. Wake up people. The battle for power is being waged constantly. The history of American politics has proven that people will go to extreme lengths to carry out a self-serving agenda.
Do I have any insider information? No. I’m one of you. A spectator in the crowd. A single voice amongst the herd. All I can do is observe, analyze and report. I could be dead wrong with all of this, but I could be dead right and that’s a chance I’m willing to take.
