Bad science fiction movies typically share common features: love interests with little to no chemistry, a crappy CGI monster, fancy weapons, nauseating camera angles, actors you never heard of and actors who used to be popular and still need to feed their families? Uh. And angry military personnel, hot scientists, plot holes that could sink a cruise liner, goofy sidekicks, cultural appropriation, and illogically scantily clad female characters. And nowadays, Sharks!
As a fan of terrible scifi movies and sharks, I feel obligated to pass unto you my top 5 list of amazingly bad shark films.
1. Sharknado 1-4.
Featuring Ian Ziering and Tara Reid in the greatest roles of their careers, the Sharknado movies are a masterful compilation of every single bad scifi movie trope you could imagine. Some personal highlights; Mark Cuban as president of the United States, All the Shark Tank cameos, a rotating cast of new family members each film, real newscasters such as Al Roker commentating on the Sharknado and managing not to laugh, and of course David Hasslehoff.
Sharks and tornados. Tornados and sharks. Don't forget minor character death followed by 2 second grieving periods, Star Wars references, chainsaws for hands, completely impossible shark physics, soap opera level family drama, and more!
I watched all four in a row and highly recommend it. Definitely bring lots of snacks and leave your expectations at the door.
2. Sharktopus.
Listen, friend. This film has the greatest death scenes of all time. From a bungee jumping couple to hapless sailor who dies with the affect of a constipated Lima bean, this shark fest has got it all. Half shark, half octopus, all terror. Eric Roberts stars as the scientist behind Sharktopus. Good job Eric.
I have found that there is little in this life more enjoyable than watching Sharktopus attempt to walk on dry land. Whether he's stabbing people with the sharp tips of his tentacles, making roaring noises that sharks simply don't make, or chewing on the innocent, Sharktopus is sure to fulfill your movie going expectations provided you have none.
3. Sharktopus vs Whale Wolf.
I was delighted to discover that the epic tales of an aquatic military weapon aka sharktopus gone rogue continue! There is an actual Sharktopus Series! For no reason at all, sharktopus makes it to the shores of the Dominican Republic, terrorizing a boat-bound funeral party. Yes you read that right. But Sharktopus is not alone. In a whirlwind of German accents, scantily clad nurses, an ex baseball star, and whale DNA splicing, Whale Wolf is born. More of a sad dog with whale parts and a heart of gold, (and murder), Whale Wolf will leap into your heart and also your internal organs. With dizzying camera angles, actual God Damn voodoo dolls, and a romantic subplot that no one cares about, Sharktopus vs WhaleWolf is the best syfy monster mash up movie of, quite possibly, all time. (Sharktopus vs Pteracuda is next up on my watching list.)
4. Avalanche Shark.
Unfortunately, there is no avalanche of sharks raining down upon innocent skiers. But, Avalanche Shark more than compensates for its misleading title. With absolutely no explanation, sharks rise out of the snow at a haunted? Ski resort which is hosting a plethora of idiotic, sexed up spring breakers. If you're an irrationally scantily clad skier, prepare to be snapped up in the jaws of an Avalanche Shark who will somehow manage to turn you to crappy blood speckles with one chomp. Hot tub shark attacks, that creepy couple with an age gap that could span the Brooklyn Bridge, a crazy dude who knows all about the "Skookum," terrible sex scenes left and right followed by terrible, terrible pick up lines in the ski lift of the damned, and more await you!
5. Three Headed Shark Attack.
More Heads, more deads! When a tag line makes up a word, you know you're in for a treat. This movie is pretty much the Titanic if the Titanic was a shitty party cruise captained by Rob Van Dam and the iceberg was a three headed shark. Featuring Danny Trejo as a determined fisherman who does indeed fulfill all of our hopes and dreams by taking on the shark with a machete, multitudes of minor characters with zero, or maybe even negative one character development, magically horrendous death scenes, this movie has it all. In trying to take it's terribly CGI rendered mutant shark too seriously, this movie goes even better with friends who know how to riff the stuffing out of terrible films.
(In fact don't watch this without friends.)
Also pairs nicely with the Rifftrax for Jaws.
