As much as I love the holiday season, it does invite us to do some peculiar things. Here are some traditions we do that seem crazy when you think about it.
Buy Christmas Tree
We buy pine trees from random guys to put in our houses and decorate them. I don’t really know how this tradition started, but like, if you were a tree I bet you’d be pissed. Other trees get to be cool things like logs and bird houses, but no you get to sit up inside some warm house while strangers put weird objects on you. Christmas trees did not ask to be Christmas trees, and they do not want to be Christmas trees. They’d much prefer to be out in open chillin’ with their tree homies than be held hostage by a bunch of weirdos for a few weeks, but hey, I guess that’s life.
Tell kids about Santa Claus
We convey a tale of an old man who breaks into your house and leaves presents for the children. I can go on about this for days, but the point is, Santa is a little...ambitious. This man has to keep track of who has been naughty or nice, make presents and coal, and deliver everything on Christmas Eve. The only way that could work is if there were multiple Santa Clauses which would make sense because I’ve seen about ten different mall Santas so they’re either all on duty or there are many Santa impersonators out there. I hope for the kids’ sake it’s the former.
Make Cookies for Santa
Millions of kids bake cookies to thank Santa for delivering their presents/coal. This is actually a very sweet gesture (in more ways than one), but that’s too much for Santa and plus, when is he going to find the time to eat them? The reason no one stops this tradition is because it’s often just a late night snack for parents who worked so hard buyin- I mean, asking Santa to please give their children nice toys. The truth is kiddies, Santa didn’t eat those cookies, your dad did.
Hang Mistletoe
If two people find themselves beneath it they must kiss each other. This could be awkward in so many ways. What if you end up under there with someone you don’t like, or worse, someone you do like? It can’t go well, it only works for couples. There is no way a single person could get any joy out of this, in fact, the easiest way to make single people uncomfortable is to put a bunch of them who don’t know each other in a room together with mistletoe all over the ceiling. It’s basically hell.
Wrap Presents
AKA Spend a long time artistically concealing the identity of presents only to watch your work be destroyed on Christmas day. This actually sounds sadder than it is, and I’m sure when you (I mean Santa) place them under the Christmas tree, they look great. I really enjoy wrapping presents (I mean helping Santa wrap presents), it’s sort of soothing. I especially like when you get to see the look on the faces of the people opening the gift because that makes it all worth it.
Whatever weird holiday traditions you find yourself doing this year, I hope you enjoy them. Happy Holidays!
