Expressions get retired all the time. Sometimes it's because they're out of date, and others because they're horribly racist. No matter what the reason is, it's natural for figures of speech or sayings to come and go over time. So in the spirit of advancing our language, here are my nominations for things it is time to stop saying, or, at the very least, the only situations in which you should use these expressions.

1. "Good for you!"

Why you shouldn't say it:

I don't care how sincerely you mean it, but "good for you" always comes off sounding a lot like "screw you" to me. There are really only two ways "good for you" can be interpreted. One of them is that it means that thing is good, specifically for you and nobody else. For example: "Oh you got a new haircut and it makes you feel better about yourself? That's good for you. You, and literally nobody else. That thing you were excited about? Yeah nobody cares." Sure, it may be true, but it's also somewhat disheartening every time you're forced to realize most people don't care when good things don't affect them as well. The second way this expression can be interpreted is slightly different, and it's a little more like "good, for you." Meaning, hey that thing you accomplished, that's doing well for someone of your capabilities. It's basically saying, hey we know we shouldn't expect as much from you as we do from other people, so congratulations on whatever it is you just did.

When is it acceptable?:

If the person you're talking to deserves a "screw you," but the situation doesn't allow it. Say your boss is talking about how much more money he/she makes than you, or your classmate starts bragging about the new Hummer he just bought or your elderly relative just started seeing someone while your version of "Netflix and chill" is actually more like "Pornhub and hand lotion". Well, feel free to give them a thumbs up and a "good for you."

2. "God works in mysterious ways."

Why you shouldn't say it:

Woah. I know I'm not actually in the same room as any of you, but I can feel the tension already. Before you stop reading this article, let me just say, I'm not knocking anyone for being religious. It does a lot of good for some people and I wouldn't want to take that away from anyone. Now that that's out of the way, the phrase "God works in mysterious ways" may be one of the reasons I'm no longer a religious person. This phrase is always well intended, and it basically means you shouldn't feel bad about the bad thing that happened because God has a plan and we'll never understand.

For me, hearing that actually makes me feel a lot worse.There's nothing very reassuring to me about hearing "Hey sport, I know you're feeling down about your dog dying, but I just want you to know it's not a big deal. See, there's this guy that killed your dog, because sometimes he just does some messed up things. Oh and he's the same guy that gave grandpa cancer." This sort of mentality paints God as an abusive partner, treating us horribly because he loves us and we're just too stupid to comprehend how the abuse is good for us.

When is it acceptable?:

This is a great expression to use when talking to children. Whether it's something they shouldn't know yet, like the answer to "why is mommy pregnant?" Or they've been asking "why?" too many times and just don't feel like explaining why it rains sometimes.

3. "It's always the last place you look."

Why you shouldn't say it:

In case it hasn't been clear up until this point, this article is meant as a joke. I know when you see a "listicle" you're immediately thinking it's a serious piece of journalism, so I just wanted to make sure everybody is on the same page. However, for this entry, this article starts to get serious. I hate this expression with a passion most people reserve for art or romance. I honestly still can't wrap my head around if this is supposed to be funny or not (like most of you with this article). If you ever have to decide if something is supposed to be funny or not, it has most likely failed at being whatever it intended to be. On the other hand, if this is intended to be serious, congratulations on telling us something we already knew. Like have you ever found something and then kept looking for it? No, the answer is no you haven't.

When is it acceptable?:

Never.

4. "Everything happens for a reason."

Why you shouldn't say it:

This one is basically the non-religious version of "God works in mysterious ways." It pretty much has the same intention too, but instead of positing that God has something to do with it, it's "fate" or "the universe" or "karma." I hear it a lot after someone goes through a break-up like, "Hey, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, everything happens for a reason." Now this one isn't bad for being untrue, it's bad for being misleading. Yes, everything does happen for a reason, however, it's usually a very mundane reason. Example: It rains the day of your wedding. Did it happen for a reason? Yes, because the water vapor in the atmosphere condensed enough to fall from the sky. Is there another reason? Absolutely not.

When is it acceptable?:

Pretty much only in response to someone saying, "there's no reason this should be happening right now." But you should probably continue and explain what the reason is. So if your friend is like "there's no reason I should've failed that test, I knew everything that was going to be on it," you should reply, "Everything happens for a reason, clearly you didn't'."

5. "I don't know if it's true or not but ________"

Why you shouldn't say it:

As a writer, comedian and perpetual child, I resent anyone who gets more attention than me without trying very hard, and this seems to be the best method of accomplishing that. If you aren't familiar with the picture I've chosen, that's supposed to be Mel's Hole. Mel's Hole was first reported on by a radio show called Coast to Coast AM and was a man named Mel Waters' story about a bottomless pit that could bring things back to life if they were thrown inside of it. Shockingly enough, there turned out to be no evidence that the hole, or Mel himself, ever existed at all. I chose this picture because recently someone told me about the hole, and prefaced it with, "I don't know if it's true but..."This phrase can be translated to, "It doesn't matter what I say, please just listen to me and find me somewhat interesting for a few seconds."

When it's acceptable:

I think this would work as a sneaky way of getting people to educate themselves about a certain subject. Like "I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard global warming doesn't exist!" Whoever you're talking to will inevitably pull out their smart phones to prove you wrong (because that's the world we live in now) and you'll have successfully gotten someone to learn a little bit more about climate change.