Two days into Trump’s presidency, Press Secretary Sean Spicer claimed that the crowd at the inauguration was the “largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.” With pictures floating around on every social media site comparing Obama's inauguration crowd to Trump's, it is pretty obvious that Spicer was not telling the truth. Trump’s adviser Kellyanne Conway later claimed that Spicer’s comment was based on “alternative facts.” What are alternative facts, you say? They're a creative way to describe lies. But rather than ranting about how this administration has already offered a plethora of fibs, I am going to put Conway’s colorful description of falsehoods to use. Here is how to use “alternative facts” to your advantage:

1. When you spent your Sunday night binge watching Scandal instead of doing your Government homework:

“So, I was working on the questions, but then Vice President Langston stabbed her husband and I had to help her cover it up. The problem is solved now, don’t worry. ”

2. When a police officer asks you where you were headed going so fast:

“You see, my bible study group is having a silent auction tonight. All proceeds are going to the NRA. My crafting class ran late and I was just eager to spend time with the Lord. You know that old verse, Deuteroviticus 27:117, ‘Blue Lives Matter’? It is one of my favorites!”

3. When you hand in your Human Anatomy test knowing damn well you failed it and your teacher asks how it went:

“Great! Possibly my best work yet! I may as well change my name to Hippocrates!"

4. When you ignored the first three calls from your mom and the phone starts ringing again:

“Hello? No, I did not ignore your calls. No, I am not throwing a party. I don’t know why the neighbors called you! No, you did not just hear someone throw up.”

5. When you can’t get over not winning the popular vote because you’re a narcissist with a massive ego:

“Three million illegal immigrants voted for Hillary!”