Hey Don. You must be so tired, what from being Satan's messenger and all.
You know, it doesn't have to be this hard. I know it seems impossible right now, but you can step away from all of this. Let's face it, you're a mess. You're not yourself anymore–instead of the money-grubbing demon man you used to be, you now have to be a money-grubbing demon man who can only wear red or blue ties.
If you leave the campaign right now, you could finally take a break. Let me open your fake hair–which I assume is the lid to the sweatshop factory working half of minimum wage that is your brain–to all the possibilities that could come true if you just quit.
You could:
1. Eat a spoonful of peanut butter, and really savor it.
2. Get a massage.
3. Look people in the eyes for longer than five seconds.
4. Hug people for longer than five seconds.
5. See some theatre.
6. Look at the sky.
7. Stop being such a dick.
8. Draw a picture.
9. Actually stop being a dick.
10. Have a home-cooked meal.
11. Take someone out for coffee.
12. Ask yourself why you are the way you are, then change it, because for the love of god, you're the worst.
13. Take an unlimited nap with a lot of snuggly-wuggly blankets and pillows.
14. Buy an essential oil diffuser.
15. Get out of here.
16. Just, like, go somewhere else. Anywhere else.
17. Keep a dream journal.
18. Netflix and chill.
19. Descend into the fiery depths of hell.
20. Order that extra order of fries for the table and then eat most of them yourself; you deserve it!
21. Binge watch Stranger Things in one night.
22. Take a Tai Chi class.
23. Stop generally sucking so much.
24. Crochet a baby hat.
25. Smell some flowers.
26. Re-live your college days by studying for four years again, because I think you may need a refresher on some stuff. And you'd be way too busy with all those gen eds and extracurriculars to do anything else.
27. Think about how good being nice to other groups of people besides your own would feel.
28. Then do that.
29. Please.
30. Take a bubble bath.
31. Wear a cozy sweater.
32. Finally get arrested for tax evasion.
33. Relax with a nice glass of wine.
34. Leave the country.
35. Don't come back.
36. Ever.
37. Die of natural causes and get reincarnated as a dung beetle.
38. Live a satisfying life doing dung beetle things with your dung beetle friends.
39. End up being eaten by a bird.
40. Don't get reincarnated again. You're done.
41. Brew your own Kombucha.
42. Donate your straw-gold mop of head fuzz to Locks of Love; it might work for a toddler.
Doesn't all of that sound so nice? I thought so. I will set up a spa day for you as soon as you make the right decision. Have your people call my people.
Love,
A Person Who Wants You to Cease All Attempts At Becoming Leader of the Free World
