Cargo shorts look bad, yet some guys cling to them like a drowning kitten. There are no good reasons for wearing them. I've had this discussion many times, but I think I should solidify it in convenient listicle format.
1. "They’re comfortable! Why should I wear something uncomfortable if it’s not for any specific event?"
This is a two parter. For one, they’re not really that comfortable. Sure, they’re breezy and allow for an atrocious amount of leg room, but the fabric isn’t any more comfortable than anything but the stiffest jeans. Flat front shorts look way better, and they're made of the same stuff. Have you ever felt corduroy? Super comfy. The problem is that you don’t know if these pants or shorts are comfortable or not because you refuse to wear them.
And second, if comfort if the most important thing to you, why don’t you just wear crocs and PJs everywhere? You could be the most comfortable person on the planet. Hell, you could go nude! Then you’d be super comfortable! Yet you don’t. Because on some deeper level, you know that you must conform to social norms to keep living in society like a normal person. You know that there has to be some level of balance between comfort and style.
2. "I think they look fine."
No. No they don’t. This isn’t an arbitrary decision made by the fashion gods; there is a method to it. Think of an attractive male shape, like Michelangelo’s David. Think of the proportions. Do the thighs flare up like draping chandeliers? No. Clothes should compliment the human figure, not make it look like some mega-thigh mutant creature.
If that doesn’t convince you, think about the coolest cool-guys in movies: action stars, suave villains, anybody played by Ryan Gosling, etc. Are any of them wearing cargo shorts? I checked. The answer is no. I looked as hard as I could for anyone cool wearing cargo shorts in a movie, and the only person I found was Muldoon, the game warden from "Jurassic Park."
So unless you’re in the process of hunting velociraptors in a Costa Rican jungle, you don’t look fine in those cargo shorts.
3. "Fashion takes a second place to utility, because I am a real man who needs to carry things in his pockets."
No you fucking don’t. Here’s what I carry: my wallet, my keys and my phone. All of these things can fit in a single pocket of slim-fit jeans. What else do you realistically need to carry? A knife? A flashlight? A multitool? If you honestly use that stuff in a day to day basis, you may as well buy a utility belt, because you’re Batman. Side note: Imagine Batman wearing cargo shorts. Silly, right? Exactly.
Plus, if all of those pockets were full of useful devices, the pants would be too heavy for a belt to hold up. So get a toolbox or a backpack or a purse if you have so much stuff.
4. "Cool article, fashion fascist, but I don’t judge people on their appearances like you."
Caring about appearance isn’t conceited; it’s communication. If Cheerios were sold in a plastic bag with a label saying, “Do not eat," it wouldn’t matter what they tasted like — you wouldn’t buy them. If you communicated through honks and whistles, it wouldn’t matter if what you were saying was smart or profound, nobody would care to listen.
There might be a nice person underneath a scraggly and unkempt exterior, but that doesn’t mean the exterior isn’t important. Judgment of others shouldn’t rest on what they wear, but the fact is that 99.99 percent of the people you meet will only have the outside you to consider. So say goodbye to your cargo shorts. Give a shit about what you look like.
