4 a.m. depression is different from your regular depression. Wouldn't say it's worse, more like the manifestation of the troubled thoughts you wished you've never had. 4 a.m. depression is the kind of depression where you question whether or not you're a "good person." While staring into the mirror, only to be surprised that the person looking back isn't the person you'd expect to see. While your eyes look back only to scare you at how different you've looked since you've first seen your own reflection. Giving you bittersweet thoughts and appeals on your itty bitty insecurities. While in fear of how deep your eyes stare right back.
4 a.m. depression is the kind of the depression where you question whether or not leaving your abusive father 11 years ago was the best executive decision you've made for a 9-year-old. While currently being in and out of the haunting memory of the last "faithful" relationship you've ever had faith in. By having fainting memories flashback like whiplash, while conveying memories of speaking to the man she's left you for. But these are the things you try to ignore, for the pointlessness of it all, is a heavy enough weight to push you to never give a shit anyways, due to the nature of your current problems.
As 4 a.m. depression is the kind where you try to be busy from your own personal life duties and bullshit to not fully give much of an effort into it anymore. Only to have the thoughts from your past eat you alive and cause you to piggyback an excuse for why you're secretly an asshole. 4 a.m. depression is the kind of depression where you sit in your dark room questioning everything in your life and whether or not your friends appreciate you or only use you, but could never find the fine line in between. Where you sit and speak minutes to an hour on end to yourself, lonely as you can be for the only person who knows you better in the world is yourself.
Or so you assume. 4 a.m. depression is the kind of depression where you sit here writing to yourself what was meant to be a poem but fabricated itself to become a ranting expression on how you believe you're depressed but are only substituting depression for the fact that you're just sleep deprived and can't find the right position to sleep.
But hey, everyone has their moments.