I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and ready on August 22nd. Ready to take on the new journey that was going to be my freshman year of college. I was confident, confident that in a month from then you would be cleared to travel and visiting me. Confident that in the days that followed that ultimately never came, you would call me so that I could finally hear your voice when you woke up. You would make some stupid joke about the whole situation and then we would plan for the future like we always did. For the first time since your surgery I was optimistic, talking about your future plans, I knew your numbers, I knew the plan, I knew you could do it. I believed in you, I watched you get better day after day, and then I watched you crumble. Never in a million years did I think this could happen, did I think you would ever leave me.
My whole entire world came crashing down in front of me when I lost you. I literally couldn’t find the words or the concepts to process what has happened. Even now at so many points I still can’t. I stood beside you after you breathed your final breaths and waited for the nightmare to end but it didn’t. Only this time, it was happening, I lost you, and that day, I lost so much of myself too.
That’s the weird thing about losing someone you love, it was only in that moment that I realized how much of me is made of you. How much of my being depended on you, and how hard it was to even imagine my new reality, a world without you.
From the time I was a little girl you pushed me to believe that I could achieve it all if I set my mind to it. Reminded me ever so gently that it would never be easy, but nothing comes easy, so we have to work for the things we want. For the first time in my life everything was difficult, living was hard, and I had a choice to make. Not even 24 hours after you passed on I decided to go to school. A chapter in my life you were so excited about me beginning. A place you were confident I would blossom into the young lady you raised me to be.
I made a decision, one that I know you somehow pushed me to do. That small voice in my head telling me that maybe I could do it, maybe I could make it work was you. My ever so soft voice of reason urging me to move onto the next chapter of my life, college. So I went, because I knew that voice the one telling me that “I worked to damn hard in high school to not go” was you pushing me. I got into my new environment still in shock, not even a week after losing you but pushing myself to do this.
But dude, I literally killed it. I worked so hard, so hard for you.
You were the person I wanted to call, when I passed the exam I was sure I failed. When I was crying outside the library because I was overwhelmed, and exhausted. You were the person I wanted to call when I realized that I had made the most amazing group of friends, who unknowingly each helped heal a part of me that was broken. You were the person I wanted to call when I realized I had made dean’s list, because I know exactly what you would have said, “Sarah that’s amazing, I am so so proud of you, you killed it”
I think that has been the hardest part about losing you. I lost the ability to tell you all that had happened, and process it. And for a very long time, I lost myself. But then I remembered that in almost every way I am exactly like you. Stubborn, resilient, funny, and strong.
Over the past year I have watched our family deal with a tremendous amount of sadness and grief, but remain a strong, cohesive, unit. Mom has become the glue that keeps us all together, and she is truly a rock star. I never imagined this life without you, and it has been one hell of a year but I know that you are always with me. In the sarcastic comment I think to myself when someone is being dumb, or the random Mexican food cravings I get every so often. But most importantly, every step of the way I know you are there. The eighteen years we spent together were nothing short of incredible, but I know you are at peace. A year without you has been so difficult, and I know there will be far more bumps in the road, but I also know you will be right beside me. Continue to rest peacefully, I miss you far more than you will ever know.
