365 Days Without You
Start writing a post
Relationships

365 Days Without You

A most difficult journey of love and loss.

332
365 Days Without You
Personal

I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and ready on August 22nd. Ready to take on the new journey that was going to be my freshman year of college. I was confident, confident that in a month from then you would be cleared to travel and visiting me. Confident that in the days that followed that ultimately never came, you would call me so that I could finally hear your voice when you woke up. You would make some stupid joke about the whole situation and then we would plan for the future like we always did. For the first time since your surgery I was optimistic, talking about your future plans, I knew your numbers, I knew the plan, I knew you could do it. I believed in you, I watched you get better day after day, and then I watched you crumble. Never in a million years did I think this could happen, did I think you would ever leave me.

My whole entire world came crashing down in front of me when I lost you. I literally couldn’t find the words or the concepts to process what has happened. Even now at so many points I still can’t. I stood beside you after you breathed your final breaths and waited for the nightmare to end but it didn’t. Only this time, it was happening, I lost you, and that day, I lost so much of myself too.

That’s the weird thing about losing someone you love, it was only in that moment that I realized how much of me is made of you. How much of my being depended on you, and how hard it was to even imagine my new reality, a world without you.

From the time I was a little girl you pushed me to believe that I could achieve it all if I set my mind to it. Reminded me ever so gently that it would never be easy, but nothing comes easy, so we have to work for the things we want. For the first time in my life everything was difficult, living was hard, and I had a choice to make. Not even 24 hours after you passed on I decided to go to school. A chapter in my life you were so excited about me beginning. A place you were confident I would blossom into the young lady you raised me to be.

I made a decision, one that I know you somehow pushed me to do. That small voice in my head telling me that maybe I could do it, maybe I could make it work was you. My ever so soft voice of reason urging me to move onto the next chapter of my life, college. So I went, because I knew that voice the one telling me that “I worked to damn hard in high school to not go” was you pushing me. I got into my new environment still in shock, not even a week after losing you but pushing myself to do this.

But dude, I literally killed it. I worked so hard, so hard for you.

You were the person I wanted to call, when I passed the exam I was sure I failed. When I was crying outside the library because I was overwhelmed, and exhausted. You were the person I wanted to call when I realized that I had made the most amazing group of friends, who unknowingly each helped heal a part of me that was broken. You were the person I wanted to call when I realized I had made dean’s list, because I know exactly what you would have said, “Sarah that’s amazing, I am so so proud of you, you killed it”

I think that has been the hardest part about losing you. I lost the ability to tell you all that had happened, and process it. And for a very long time, I lost myself. But then I remembered that in almost every way I am exactly like you. Stubborn, resilient, funny, and strong.

Over the past year I have watched our family deal with a tremendous amount of sadness and grief, but remain a strong, cohesive, unit. Mom has become the glue that keeps us all together, and she is truly a rock star. I never imagined this life without you, and it has been one hell of a year but I know that you are always with me. In the sarcastic comment I think to myself when someone is being dumb, or the random Mexican food cravings I get every so often. But most importantly, every step of the way I know you are there. The eighteen years we spent together were nothing short of incredible, but I know you are at peace. A year without you has been so difficult, and I know there will be far more bumps in the road, but I also know you will be right beside me. Continue to rest peacefully, I miss you far more than you will ever know.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

Black Friday: Explained

Time to question this unofficial corporate holiday.

1812
Flickr/John Henderson

On a personal level, Black Friday has always confused me. Everyone just ate a ton and spent all day with their families—why would we want to go out and vigorously shop, fighting crowds? I totally see why other people want to go do it, but I’ve never quite understood the concept myself. While I’ve been Black Friday shopping once or twice, I don’t get that excited about it unless it’s an opportunity to spend time with family or friends. Don’t get me wrong; I am the queen of bargains. Still, I never seem to have the energy to go out into the jungle of shoppers early the day after Thanksgiving, or even immediately after Thanksgiving dinner. Many people, though—including my loved ones—are enthusiastic about Black Friday shopping, and it seems most other Americans are the same way. So, it’s worth looking at the reasons for this commercially-driven, unofficial American holiday.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

#OptOutside This Black Friday

I am opting to go outside this Black Friday, and I hope you do so as well.

5050
Ross Woodhall

The day after Thanksgiving has always been regarded by many as the beginning of the Christmas season. While not a federal holiday, many people take off work, spend time at home with their families, and enjoy the beginning of the holiday season. This Friday off turned into a prime opportunity to begin the never-ending chore of Christmas shopping. Soon it became one of the busiest shopping days a year, which companies capitalized on by bringing the best deals of the year to this day we know as Black Friday.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

7 Moments You Only Experience As A Night Owl

Cereal never seemed more appealing than at 10 pm.

6562
7 Moments You Only Experience As A Night Owl

There is almost nothing more annoying in the world than waking up to the sound of an alarm. From the moment you get up until the time you get to bed, you are bombarded with responsibilities. You have to go to work and school, run errands, and do favors. But if you're a night owl then you have an advantage of getting a few more extra hours in the day. Here are seven perks to being a night owl:

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

17 tasty foods to cook in an air fryer

Air fryers are becoming a staple in all health conscious households because of its delicious, yet grease free way of cooking your favorite dishes! We all love a good fried chicken dish, but this is a great alternative if you are eating mindfully.

There are plenty of places that sell air fryers such as Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and Amazon.

5348
Air Fryed Avocado Fries
Photo by: Tatum Oblonsky

Keep Reading... Show less
Wallpapers Pro

The Thanksgiving season is a time we spend with our loved ones giving thanks for the blessings we are given. Here are 20 Bible verses that remind us of what Thanksgiving is all about:

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments