365 days. 1 year. A lot can happen in that allotted amount of time. For me, May 8 was a very significant day in 2016. I was finishing up my senior year in high school, I had just committed to college, and I was spending hours at school rehearsing for my last musical in high school. These were pretty normal things that any senior in high school did right before they left for good. But, something was different about the first week in May, specifically May 8.

It had been a rough couple of weeks with my grandfather getting sick. I remember being the first one to see him the day he was taken to the hospital. I immediately went into fight or flight mode, and this time, I chose to fight. Being 18 years old, I had my fair share of knowing what to do when my grandfather doesn’t feel good, but this time, I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do or who to call. Finally, everything was figured out and he was on his way to the hospital. Tests were run, blood was drawn, and the diagnosis was given just a few days after that day of him being rushed to the hospital. Stage 4 lung cancer. My family was shock, but not too much. The man had been smoking since he was 16 and had only recently stopped in the last 10 years or so, so in a way, we all saw it coming. We started setting things up- doctor’s appointments, medications, and who would visit him at the hospital and when. I didn’t see him that much in the two weeks of his illness. Between school and rehearsals, I couldn’t get away long enough to just sit by his side and spend time with him. I hated those two weeks, while everyone was trying to happy and celebratory around me, I couldn’t get past the fact that my grandfather was lying in a hospital bed dying. I finally was able to get away and visit him, but at that point it was too late. I stepped into that hospice room and felt this wave of cool air. I saw that man lying in a bed with wires coming from different parts of his body and I knew that man wasn’t my grandfather. That man wasn’t the person, who wore bucket hats every day, drove around his black pickup truck, and spent hours sitting in front of a football field watching his grandsons practice. I sat on a couch right across from his bed and just sat there staring; I didn’t want to move a muscle with the fear that if I did, he would wake up and something would happen. I spent about three hours there when I decided it was time for me to leave and go about my day.

I head back to my high school and brace myself for the 10 hour rehearsal ahead of me. I walked in and went through the day being distracted by that image in my head of my grandfather lying there not able to fend for himself anymore. A man that used to do yardwork for fun, who built a cottage from the ground up, who created a secure life for his family, who only ever loved one woman his entire life, was suddenly not there anymore. My mind could not seem to focus on anything other than me reflecting on the things he had done in his life. The accomplishments he had achieved from the time he left his hometown in Illinois at only age 16. The long day was finally coming to a close and I decided it was time to distract myself other than my grandfather. I went out with some friends and tried to have some fun while I could. It wasn’t until I got home that night that things fell apart. It was past midnight and my mom came into my room to tell me the news. I didn’t want to believe a single word. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that he was gone. I didn’t want to believe that he wouldn’t be at my house at 6:30AM to pick my brother and I up for school.

It’s been almost a year and there are so many things I want to say to you papa. I wanted you to see me on stage one last time. I wanted you to be there the night I went off to my senior prom. I wanted you to be there when I walked across that stage on graduation day. I had always told you what my plans were for the future and as excited as you were for me to go off into the world and begin the life of my own, I knew deep down you were sad I was going to be leaving. You knew I couldn’t wait to be out of high school and to start fresh, just like mom; you were my biggest fan and biggest supporter. No matter what I wanted to do with my life, you were there backing me up, cheering me on. After you passed away, there were so many things I wanted to say and so many people I wanted to blame because it wasn’t fair that you had left. Out of all the people in this world, you were the person that had to be taken away and that is just not right. You were the purest man that I had in my life and I never wanted you to go away. There are plenty of bad people in this world that could have gone, but I guess life doesn’t work that way. I hate the fact that you are gone and you are not seeing how my brother and I are succeeding in our lives. Everything is so hard and different now that I don’t get to see or talk to you every day. A lot has changed since that last time we really talked and I wish you were here to see it all unfold in front of your eyes.

365 days later and you are still on my mind every single day, some days are better than others. Most days and I see things that remind me of you; now that I’m in Boston I remind myself that you used to have to come to work every day here. I am right near the Prudential and every time I see that building in the distance I remember how much of a hard worker you were. You taught me to work hard and I will get everything I need out of my life. I know that my work ethic came from you and mom, without either of you I wouldn’t be in college right now studying something that I love. Even though in your later years you were a grumpy, stubborn old man, you always had a good heart and wanted the best for everyone. I hope to carry that with me for the rest of my life and remember everyone has good intentions. You taught me to be myself and “screw everyone else”. Every talk that we had in your truck, on car rides to school, or at the table after school I will keep close to my heart and remember those times when things become too difficult to handle.

365 days later and I still miss you more and more than the day before.