We've all had these thoughts. You're in the condom aisle, and with every passing second, you have more and more thoughts bombard you. And while they're funny, let's be real: the thoughts you have while buying condoms can be awkward.
I don't know about you, but for me, one of the most cringe-worthy moments of my monthly errands has to do with buying condoms. Or, more accurately, venturing into the "Family Planning" aisle of my local grocery store to grab the box of condoms that I'm so sure everyone in a five-feet radius is judging me for.
I know, I know: this is the 21st century, and if I want to buy condoms and have safe sex, more power to me. However, that doesn't stop me from blushing if an older lady glances at my cart and sees a box of Trojans staring back at her.
Love it or hate it, if you've ever bought condoms before, you may recognize a few of these thoughts...
- Okay! I think that’s it for shopping today! I just need to check my list and…
- Crap. I still need to get condoms.
- Be cool, me, be cool. It’s no big deal.
- Just walking down an aisle where everyone will judge me for being sexually active like it’s any of their business.
- But it’s cool! Because I’m being a safe and sexy adult…right?
- Okay, just breathe. Oh, look at that, here we are!
- Holy crap, there are so many different kinds!
- Okay, I can kind of understand the boyfriend’s panic when I ask him to pick up pads and tampons.
- BUT THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS! I mean, with pads, it’s just a difference in the level of protection!
- Here there’s no difference in protection, just the feeling…. I am so confused right now.
- Like, there’s a box bragging about “hot and cold sensations”, but wouldn’t that just…hurt?
- And there’s another kind, with bumps and ridges, that says it’s “for her pleasure”, but I don’t know if that would always be best?
- And there’s a variety pack with those two kinds and…fruit flavored condoms?
- Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?!
- Okay, just chill out. We always use that one brand in that one box.
- Oh no. Old lady alert!
- We’re just quickly going to turn around and look at the other shelf, just pretend to be innocent…
- Ladidadida, nothing to see here! Just checking out the…erm…cold medicine.
- Why did they put cold medicine in the same aisle as “family planning”? Makes no sense.
- But whatever, because she’s gone! Back to the mission at hand!
- Okay, just gotta quickly look for our usual brand. Nothing difficult about that!
- Annnnnd, of course, they’re all out. Great.
- Should I text the boyfriend and ask what to do for backups?
- Nah, I got this!
- I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man to help me buy condoms!
- …okay, so a little help would be nice.
- Maybe I should just google what brand is closest to the kind that we use?
- No, nope, not going to do that. I’ve already been in this aisle for too long.
- We’re just going to grab a box and go.
- Okay, maybe not the Magnum box. Oops.
- And maybe not that variety pack. He can grab those another time. I just need to GO.
- Why aren’t there any condoms labeled “regular”?! Help a girl out!
- Well, they probably aren’t expecting a girl to be buying condoms. Double standards much?
- Okay, I’m settling for these. If he complains, he can buy the condoms next time.
- Heading to the checkout line now…phew, I made it.
- Now to forget this traumatic experience until next time.
