The following questions and phrases do not directly refer to any specific student/library user I have encountered, but they are the typical things I hear on a daily basis! I love my job and look forward to it everyday, mostly because of the students who come in and make every day enjoyable. Still, like with any job, you can't help but sometimes shake your head:

1. Can I borrow your pen *while reaching for pen*? Do NOT touch my pens. Students do not "borrow" pens, but they do steal them.

2. Is this computer not working?! Sir or mam, the computer is not turned on, but you can turn the tower on by...that's the monitor...oh God wait a minute! You're going to break it!

3. Where's the library? This. This is the library.

4. Where's the librarian? Why does everyone think I'm a student assistant? I'm sitting at the front desk. My name is literally there with "Library Associate" plastered to it.

5. I left my student ID in my car. If you didn't leave your ID in a galaxy far far away—say somewhere within walking distance like your car—you will have to go get. You have to have it to come in, period. You know this.

6. Aren't there supposed to be more...books? Well, yes we have very few physical books. We have tons of e-books though!! *sigh* the growing popularity of technology kind of affects everything, even libraries. Don't think I don't wish I could embrace my inner Belle at work.

7. Why is the stapler not working?! It was working, but then you jammed it.

8. I think the printer is out of paper or something. It's not. Give it a second.

9. How do I double space a paper? Maybe it's just me, but I could have sworn we learned how to properly type AND format a paper in Microsoft Word in high school (nontraditional students are excused of course). However, I, being the superhero I am, can save the day by giving you a thorough explanation AND a handout to keep.

10. What is MLA? The format you will be using the majority of your stay in college.

11. I need help finding a source. I used Google and Wikipedia last time. I thought I, along with your instructor, told you NOT to do research using those. We have an amazing online library full of credible, easy to access sources.

12. Can you show me how to research using the databases? A brush up or a complete tutorial? Something tells me you're that kid who came in late for library research instruction last Wednesday, or you want me to do the work for you.

13. My professor wants me to use Galily, Galiloola, I don't know, to find secondary sources! Oh, you mean Galileo *me screaming internally*.

14. Why is the WiFi not connecting on my laptop? I have to submit a paper now! I can't control the temperamental Wi-Fi, but you can easily transfer your paper to a USB drive and use one of our 40 available computers.

15. How do I get a job here? Finish college first.

16. Wow...a degree to work in a Library? Yes, you need a degree. I got lucky with my Bachelor's because this is a community college. Other libraries require a Master's in Library Science...shocker!

17. How much are these USB drives? The jar is labeled "Lost USB drives" for a reason. Someone's essay or final project is saved on them. I can't sell them to you.

18. How do I cite this story in my literature book? I'm glad you asked. Please sit while I print off notes from Purdue Owl for you to keep on you at all times.

19. Oops...are we being too loud? If you have to ask, then yes, yes you are.

20. Could you edit my paper? Well...I can look over it. However, our English tutor does have a schedule specifically for tutoring/editing your paper.

21. Are you our English sub today? No, no I'm not. Your professor scheduled your class a library visit with me so that I could give you instruction on how to do research and write a proper MLA/APA paper.

22. Is this even a real library? Okay...so we have limited space and not a many book shelves as a larger library. It's an "e-library", but yes, yes it is.

23. Can I eat this in here? I won't make a mess. Then why are there always crumbs in between pages and the keys of the keyboards?

24. Excuse me but I can't concentrate. That girl in the red jacket is talking way too loud. Sure, I'll get right on it! Why do I have to constantly "shhh" people?

25. Can I borrow a pair of headphones? Thank you for being considerate of the quiet zone rule! You most definitely can!

26. I was told to come here. My instructor said you can help me with my paper. I sure can! Just tell me what you need help with. I will help you, but I won't do it for you.

27. I saw the sign. I'm not talking that loudly though. It is the library, so SILENCE!

28. Oops! I didn't know we couldn't make phone calls in here. Sorry! Seriously? Why do I even make quiet zone/no phone signs at all? *face palm*

29. *Walks in literally 2 minutes before closing* I just need to print something real quick! We both know this is going to turn into a 15 minute paper edit first.

30. You don't look like a librarian. Aren't you basically just a monitor? Does a monitor instruct research classes and guide you in finding books, articles, and journals? Nope.