Lately, my heart has been heavy. I have been feeling empty. And even on days when I am happy, there is something pulling me back. Being around loved ones makes me ache because I don't feel like I am fully there with them. My mind is elsewhere.
My normal day to day activities lack purpose. Every situation has an unpleasant outcome.
My thoughts are filled with sadness, my heart full of regret, and I am unable to figure out how to move forward. I can't find comfort in where I am in life. I am feeling hopeless.
I've prayed for God to bring me peace; for Him to heal my heart and ease the unrest in my life. And in my recent prayer, I came to a troubling realization.
Why do I only pray to God when I am at my worst? Why is it that I only take a moment to talk to Him when I am troubled ... when I am at rock bottom ... I dreaded that this day would come: the day I realized that my earthly life triumphs over my spiritual relationship with the one who loved me first.
And so I started analyzing what I prayed for and what I asked God for. "Lord, please make me thinner." "Lord, please make me smarter." "Lord, please make me more desirable to so and so." "Lord, please make my life easier."
My prayers went unanswered and my state of mind got worse. It was my belief that everyone and everything was out to get me. Every situation that didn't go exactly as I'd hope made me bitter. I lost hope that things would turn around.
I thank God for not answering my prayers and for telling me no. He opened my eyes to the way I was abusing my relationship with Him. I was neglecting Him. I lacked the ability to even hold a simple conversation with Him without asking for something for me. I was a selfish child.
I had grown accustomed to everything being so easy and as a result, I forgot about my God. As soon as there were any inconveniences in my life though, I decided that it was okay for me to ask Him for help.
But the thing is, God didn't create me to be weak. He didn't raise me up to shy away from adversities. I wasn't put in the world for everything to be easy and for Him to hand everything to me when I asked for it.
I am here to overcome and to spread the love that God has for me and I have for Him. He is so good and His love truly overcomes any worldly troubles.
I want to share with you all three things I like to pray for when I need God's support, rather than his intervention in my life.
1. Fulfillment
I pray that in everything I do and every step that I take, I find fulfillment. I ask God to fill me with passion towards everything I pursue.
I pray that He keeps me content with where I am in life. I want to be satisfied with who I am, where I stand, and what I actions I take. I hope to only thirst for Him and His love rather than any worldly possession.
2. Peace and Serenity
I pray that God continues to remind me of the strength I possess because of Him. With His love, I can conquer every obstacle. I don't need anyone to bring me comfort except myself. The peace and serenity I yearn for comes from the ever present goodness of my God and how much He cares for me.
3. Envelopment in Love
I pray that I continue to remember how loved I am. The love that envelops me comes from my friends, my family, and especially my God. There's never any need for me to desire any affection when I am overwhelmed with appreciation, respect, and devotion of my loved ones.
