"How's the weather down there?" HA HA. Good one. It's actually cold and bitter, like my soul.
If you are under the average height like myself, then you are very aware of the fact that you'll never be the bigger person. Literally, because you are smaller than everyone around you, and figuratively because you're so angry about the everyday struggles of the world that you and those of your kind must encounter on a daily basis. Here are just a few:
1. Human arm rest
2. Drowning in the five-foot area of the pool
3. Breaking a sweat while trying to get the chips on the top shelf
4. Not being able to see the band at a concert because of all the tall people right in front of you
5. Or being able to watch a movie in a theater because, well you know.
5. Having to move the driver's seat all the way up to the steering wheel because your legs are too short to reach the pedals
6. And not being able to see over the wheel...
7. ...which means car sun visors are basically pointless.
Great now we're blind, too.
8. Feeling like you're always sitting in a high chair
9. But also being able to swing your legs when you sit anywhere because your feet don't touch the ground.
10. Never being able to see yourself in a mirror.
Oh no really, that's okay. We don't need to see how shitty we look anyway.
11. When people f*cking do this.
We're better off forgetting about whatever object has been stolen from us. Chances are we're not getting it back.
12. Learning to walk fast because all of your friends are taller than you and have a longer stride.
For every one step our friends take, we take three.
13. Having the best hiding spots while playing hide and seek.
This is basically our only talent.
14. Not needing to even lie about your age at fancy restaurants to get food off the kid's menu.
At least we get some crayons.
15. If you're not in the front of a group photo, you might as well not be in it at all.
We're not attention whores, we just won't be seen if we're not in the front of a group photo.
16. But also needing to make sure you're not standing next to tall people.
17. Laundry is a b*tch.
18. Having to improvise while grocery shopping.
19. Owning jeans that fit your thighs but are too long on your legs
20. So buying them always ends up being an extra $30 to get them hemmed.
21. When you would line up by height order in school, you always knew exactly where to go first.
22. Amusement parks aren't too amusing anymore.
"You must be this tall to f*ck off."
23. Needing to open the door to reach the ATM.
24. "Can you get that since you're closer to the floor?"
Which means we are also closer to Satan.
25. Having this uncomfortable dilemma:
26. When someone tries to make you feel better by saying "You're not short, you're fun sized!"
27. But ultimately, you know that the best things come in small packages
Except your d*ck.