Heart eye emojis up for JoJo and Jordan, together at last!
What ever will we do now that season 21 of The Bachelorette has come to a painfully predictable close?
We could talk about who we want to be the next bachelor (*cough* Luke). We could stalk Alex online and see if he’s still single. We could even talk about how much we miss Chad.
Or we could stop missing Chad and just watch him on Bachelor in Paradise.
You might know paradise as the place where Chris Harrison sends all the lonely, sometimes-adored, sometimes-washed-up contestants who got sent home on their seasons of The Bachelor or Bachelorette. What better idea than to put Lace (from Ben’s season, who promises she isn’t crazy), Chad (from JoJo’s season, who has openly active-aggressive tendencies), and Nick (from Kaitlyn’s season, who has gone home with the red ribbon so many times on The Bachelorette that his official occupation line says “runner-up”) on the same beach? Together? For three weeks?
Hint: There is no better idea.
Based on this season’s cast (see: former contestants including Jubilee, Daniel, Nick, and Ashley I.), we just might find ourselves in the midst of the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise yet. In case you missed this week’s premiere of yet another episode of The Chad Show Bachelor in Paradise, here are a few of the episode’s most memorable quotes to catch you up.
1. Daniel, on being impossible to get rid of… like herpes: “I don’t know if I want to be associated with herpes but it’s treatable nowadays so it’s not a big deal, right?”
2. Jubilee, on Evan’s catwalk into paradise: “Let’s find out his name, cuz I don’t wanna call him the penis guy.”
3. Carly, on doing a better job at weeding out the bad ones this time around: “We’re gonna test drive some cars here. That’s what we’re gonna do.”
4. Nick, on the Chad Bear: “If he doesn’t come in eating a sweet potato, I’ll be really disappointed.”
5. Haley, on first impressions: “Trying to check out all the bulges.”
6. Also Haley, on having high standards: “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her? That’s not good. She doesn’t like high fives.”
7. Daniel, on all erectile dysfunction specialists (and on being undeniably Canadian): “Can you imagine all the ugly ones you’d see out there? Gross, eh?”
8. Chad, on if he’s been working out since JoJo left him alone in the woods for Alex: “Nah, man. Eating cookies, dude.”
9. Chad, on accomplishments: “I didn’t murder Evan so that’s good. I didn’t rip his head off and shove it down his own mouth.”
10. Grant, on Lace promising she’s not crazy: “I did hear that Lace is a bit crazy.”
11. Chad, on being stoked AF: “I brought so much protein!”
12. Chad, on Lace spilling his drink: “Ah, bitch!”
Same, Chad. Same.
13. Lace, on wishful thinking: “Chad, don’t be aggressive.”
14. Carly, on hurricane Chad + Lace: “They’re like those people that have sex and then slap each other in the face.”
15. Nick, also on hurricane Chad + Lace: “You know how rats have like a lot of sex and they multiply a lot but they also eat each other? Chad and Lace.”
16. Chad, on being a romantic guy: “I will throw you under a bus and tie you down and make sure you smell like peppermint.”
17. Lace, on sensible math: “On a scale of 1 to 9, I’m a 9 disappointed.”
18. Daniel, on Chad being so far gone: “You’re on the moon, you might as well look for cheese or whatever they have up there, you know?”
19. Chad, on not giving a f***: “Dolla dolla bill, yo. Dolla dolla bill.”
20. Chad, on party poopers: “Why are you being so un-murdery?”
21. Daniel, on being intimidating but also on being a poet: “I’ll take you down in Chinatown.”
22. Vinny, on Chad losing his sh*t (literally): “Apparently he pooped his pants.”
23. Chad, on Chris Harrison’s impeccable vocabulary: “It’s not the time to be glib. I don’t know what that means, but it’s probably not the time to do that.”
24. Chad, on being pissed: “There’s a lot of crabs everywhere. Why is there crabs everywhere? F*ck you, crabs.”
25. Chad, on reality checks: “I keep doing sh*t in front of the cameras that I should not be doing in front of the cameras.”
Slow claps for Chad.
There’s something to be said about the mastermind behind Bachelor in Paradise. Creative genius, brainwashed lunatic, whatever you wanna call it. TBD on whether or not Chad is actually gone after night one in paradise…
